'We had one shared computer… in the LOUNGE': horror stories for today's teenagers

SCARE today’s always-online teens witless with these spooky stories about the days before smartphones, Netflix, and Deliveroo: 

You had to pick up your takeaway… YOURSELF

In the terrordome of the past, food didn’t come to you at the push of a button. There wasn’t even a button to push! You had to physically walk and pick up your food, joining a queue behind half your f**king town, with only three-day old copies of the Daily Star to read.

There was one shared computer… in the LOUNGE

Imagine surfing the internet in the same room as your parents. Whatever you clicked on being exposed to them any time they get up to make a cup of tea. All opportunities to chat to friends or expand your adolescent horizons ruined in a surveillance hellscape like Orwell’s Nineteen Eighty-Four, but in 2003.

There were only FIVE TV channels

Close your eyes and imagine the blood-curdling fate of true boredom, where there was no Netflix, Amazon, Disney, or Sky. The only entertainment came from one chunky but crappy screen with fewer options than even Britbox. And at midnight… they SHUT DOWN.

If you missed it, it was gone… FOREVER

When there was something to watch, you lived in fear. Fail to exercise military levels of bladder control  or allow a sibling to slip in and take control of the TV before you, and a crucial episode was lost and you’d never know what happened for the rest of your life.

You had to queue up to cash… a CHEQUE

Cashpoints? No such thing. Banks? Closed at 4pm on weekdays. If you needed money? You’d join the snaking queue to write a cheque and be charged a percentage of your own funds just to have cash in your hands to buy goods. And cash was literally the only currency they took.

Appliances used to come without… PLUGS

Bought a new stereo, television or fridge? Then you’ll be wiring up that plug on your own, and if you’re not a skilled electrician you could destroy your expensive new item and fuse the lights for the whole street. Or electrocute yourself. The stakes couldn’t be higher.

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Typical bollocks from a f**king woman, says Met

THE Metropolitan Police are ignoring the report calling them racist, misogynistic and homophobic because it was written by some daft f**king bird. 

A year-long review by Baroness Casey which condemns systemic failures and institutional prejudice has been dismissed as ‘her whining because she’s a minger’.

Detective inspector Martin Bishop said: “Women. They just don’t get banter.

“They’re like the ethnics and the benders in that respect. One little dildo in their cup of tea and they act like it’s the end of the world.

“What, we’re supposed to treat this report, which basically collects every moan from every twat on the force who can’t take a joke, as if it’s a big deal? Piss off. Who gave her the authority?

“No, like the gaffer said, all this institutional bollocks is ‘ambiguous and politicised’. Which means we’ll deal with it the Met way, by losing the evidence and closing the investigation.

“We can’t go listening to women all the time or half the stuff the lads get up to would be a serious crime. And what kind of police would we have if they were locked up? Exactly.”