THE reliability of your home’s internet connection can be improved through good deeds and pure thoughts, senior UK church members said today.
The Church of England revealed that God punishes the wanton and wayward of his flock with slow download speeds and intermittent connections, but the path to redemption grants a signal as steady as His grace.
Denys Finch Hatton, the Bishop of Rochester, said: “The quality of wifi may seem, to the secular, completely random. A mere quirk of location and bandwidth.
“But, following consultation with fellow churchmen and ancient scriptures, we have discovered that it is actually predicated on the strength of your spiritual connection to the Lord. How often you go to church, helping the elderly, and so on.
“Virtue is not solely rewarded in the afterlife but right here and now, where those with Jesus in their hearts may stream Stranger Things in Ultra HD even while a teenager plays Forza over Xbox Live.
“Of course, if you use your connection to watch porn, God knows even in Incognito and shall throttle your internet until it is no better than a 56k modem on Freeserve in 2002.”
Following the announcement, Chief Rabbi Ephraim Mirvis told Britain’s Jewish population that keeping kosher gives your phone five bars even in rural areas.
