Wifi strength improved by living virtuous life, Britain told

THE reliability of your home’s internet connection can be improved through good deeds and pure thoughts, senior UK church members said today. 

The Church of England revealed that God punishes the wanton and wayward of his flock with slow download speeds and intermittent connections, but the path to redemption grants a signal as steady as His grace.

Denys Finch Hatton, the Bishop of Rochester, said: “The quality of wifi may seem, to the secular, completely random. A mere quirk of location and bandwidth.

“But, following consultation with fellow churchmen and ancient scriptures, we have discovered that it is actually predicated on the strength of your spiritual connection to the Lord. How often you go to church, helping the elderly, and so on.

“Virtue is not solely rewarded in the afterlife but right here and now, where those with Jesus in their hearts may stream Stranger Things in Ultra HD even while a teenager plays Forza over Xbox Live.

“Of course, if you use your connection to watch porn, God knows even in Incognito and shall throttle your internet until it is no better than a 56k modem on Freeserve in 2002.”

Following the announcement, Chief Rabbi Ephraim Mirvis told Britain’s Jewish population that keeping kosher gives your phone five bars even in rural areas.

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Britain could be watching World Cup now if not for f**king Qatar

THE UK has realised it would be balls-deep in a World Cup summer right now if the tournament had not been awarded to f**king Qatar. 

Football fans worldwide have looked at a calendar and seen only shitty Nations League games where a proper big f**k-off tournament should be, because of FIFA’s bullshit.

Tom Logan of Peterborough said: “It was when I was drifting asleep on Saturday, after watching a dull-as-shit game against Germany shown on Channel bloody Four, that I suddenly sat up and said ‘F**k Qatar’.

“If not for them, and the dickheads at FIFA two of whom are not unrelatedly on trial for fraud right now, it could have gone to a sensible country. One where they play football that isn’t a desert.

“If I had to get up at 6.30am to watch a group game in Manila, I’d do it. World Cup’s about different cultures, innit. But in November? How’s it a football tournament if you’re not pissed in the garden?”

Francesca Johnson agreed: “Right now should be all Kane, Bale, Mbappe, World Cup-themed barbecues and singing Three Lions hammered. But it isn’t, because Qatar decided the footballing world needed to know its name.

“Well, we know your name now, Qatar. And you can go f**k yourself.”