New dating app uses dick pics for profile photos to save everyone time

A NEW dating app is cutting out the middleman by allowing male users to post a picture of their knob as their profile photo.

DickPicker has been launched to help single women save time by being immediately confronted with an unsolicited photo of a penis, rather than pissing about chatting first.

CEO Julian Cook said: “Thanks to the app, women will no longer have to waste precious hours trading pleasant messages and getting their hopes up that they might have finally met a guy who isn’t a total creep.

“There will be no sudden horrible realisation that the nice-looking man with a good job and a cute dog is actually a perverted weirdo desperate for her to get a glimpse of his sad little penis. With us, the cocks are front and centre.”

Resigned singleton Nikki Hollis said: “I was so sick of being disappointed by the woeful behaviour of men on previous dating apps. At least this way my expectations are already in the gutter.

“When I open the app I’m already mentally prepared, as I know that I’m about to be greeted by a kaleidoscope of poorly-lit flaccid cocks. And then I can glumly set about deciding which of their owners would make the least shit husband. Isn’t romance wonderful?”

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How it's actually totally cool that you're moving back in with your parents

YOU’RE moving back home but unlike 99.99 per cent of losers, you’re actually hyped about it. Here’s how you justify that shit:

I’ll never be in

On your wage, living at home, you can go out every bloody night and all weekend. This next few months will be a back-bedroom Bacchanalia of pubs and bars and nightclubs, apart from apparently Khaleesi’s closed two years ago and there’s not really a lot going on in Uttoxeter on a Wednesday night.

It’s like having flatmates

You and mum and dad are so cool with each other now, the relationship’s totally different. The blazing rows are over. Unless the decisive change in the relationship was no longer living together, which you discover after a 40-minute bollocking for a wet towel one day in.

I’ll save loads

Paying a token amount towards bills, you’ll be rolling in cash. A deposit will build up without you even noticing while you online-shop the evenings away. The token amount certainly won’t be £400 more than expected, and you won’t be so bored you’ll have already blown all your cash on a vintage leather jacket for Friday night in Uttoxeter.

I’ll just do my own thing

It’s a big house, everyone can chill. In the literal sense because Dad only has the heating on in one room in the evening and never during the day, so there is literally no option but to sit and watch Taggart which they’re doing again from the beginning.

Getting back to my roots

You’ve been living the dream but now it’s time to live a little more real, more raw, more authentic. However you’re not Snoop Dogg doing a gangsta throwback album. Your previous flat in Loughborough was hardly bedazzling glamour, and there’s nothing raw about a big sofa in your mum’s lounge in Swindon.

I’ll be gone in no time

Like a bird briefly alighting on a branch, you’re here for momentary support. Once you’ve set up your own Depop shop you’ll be flitting off to a cool apartment by a harbour. This is a mere blip, hardly worth mentioning, you’ll genuinely forget about. No way will you still be in your childhood bedroom in ten years.