MIDDLE CLASS? Thinking of lying back and treating yourself to a bit of a strum? Here are six social-status-suitable self-abuse scenarios:
Rachel Weisz is your son’s private tutor
She’s been helping your son with maths for some time – he’s very intelligent, it’s just that he learns differently from others – when she calls you in to discuss progress milestones, your lips find hers and you end up making passionate love. Post-coitally, she tells you that Cambridge is a realistic prospect for him.
Tom Hiddleston loves your garden office
The Loki actor absolutely loves what you’ve done with your garden office, and is especially impressed with the internet speed. ‘I could spend all day out here,’ he says, looking meaningfully into your eyes before doing you over your ergonomic reclaimed-wood desk.
Timotheé Chalamet is your daughter’s boyfriend
Brooding, quirky but very polite to his elders, Chalamet comes round to see your daughter but she’s out. He stays, helping with crossword clues, until your lust overwhelms you and you make love to him on the hand-tinted porcelain tiling. He ensures you orgasm then eats two helpings of casserole.
Florence Pugh ravishes you on a parkrun
Everyone else streaks ahead, leaving you and Florence keeping pace, absorbed in a conversation about sustainable tourism. Before long the parkrun is all but forgotten and the Little Women actress blows you under a bridge. You finish the parkrun and get a PB.
Charlize Theron suggests you set up as a limited company
Theron, who is your accountant, advises that your self-employment earnings are projected to easily pass the £80,000 threshold and you should set up your own limited company for corporation tax of just 19 per cent. She’ll handle the paperwork – for a price. Makes fiscal sense.
A threesome with Dan Stevens and Phoebe Waller-Bridge
This hot couple in your reading group are blown away by your insights into Ali Smith’s Seasonal Quartet. You open wine and discussion of Brexit turns into intimate three-way lovemaking that brings alive a side of you you’d never dreamed existed. Afterwards Phoebe asks you to collaborate on a screenplay.