Ferrets, and other pets for try-hard pricks

THINK cats and dogs are too pedestrian to match your fascinating personality? Get one of these animals to demonstrate just how insufferable you are.


Humans are supposed to have an innate fear of creatures that appear potentially venomous, so show people how double-extra-hard you are by having a massive, hairy spider as a pet. While you think it’s a fascinating talking point, anyone who visits you at home will be legitimately terrified and leave as quickly as possible.


‘Oh look, that man’s got a sausage dog. Wait, why is it crawling up his trouser leg? Oh Christ, it’s a ferret on a lead. What an absolute twat.’ This will be the thought process of every single passer-by who spots you taking your vicious little weasel out for a walk. Enjoy.


Think owning a snake will make you seem wild and free-spirited, like Ozzy Osbourne before he became a reality TV fossil? Well, it won’t. It will make you seem like a psychopath. Thanks to Matilda, your 10-foot long boa constrictor, you’ll end up living alone, endlessly cleaning out giant tanks full of reptile shit.

Micro pig

An animal that you’ve solely bought to exhibit on Instagram. Who wouldn’t love such an adorable little pet? Well, it will certainly look cute to your online followers, but they don’t have to live with a farm animal stinking up their house. Plus, pigs can keep growing up to the age of six, so that micro pig might end up massive.


Is it a fish? Is it a lizard? Is it a Pokémon character magically made flesh? Who knows, and you won’t have time to think about it because you’ll be spending all your time desperately peering at your aquarium thermometer to make sure this incredibly high-maintenance little beast doesn’t get too hot or cold and expire.

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Arsehole who's really nice worse than just an arsehole, everyone agrees

ANNOYING but genuinely nice people are far more irritating than those who are simply total dickheads, it has been confirmed.

Full-blooded wankers create uncomplicated feelings of rage and hatred, whereas wankers who have some redeeming features are worse because they also inspire feelings of guilt.

Martin Bishop, from Leeds, said: “There’s a guy in my office who’s always really friendly and up for making everyone a cup of tea. But he’s also a bit of a cock who’s constantly interrupting people and always banging on about his Range Rover Evoque.

“I spend half my time hating him and the other half wracked with guilt for getting so pissed off. Things would be so much easier if he was just a complete prick through and through.”

Mary Fisher, from Edinburgh, said: “I had a neighbour who had a puerile sense of humour and a really annoying laugh, but she was also really kind and did lots for charity. She got right on my tits, but I felt like the twat for finding her so irritating.

“Then she moved away and was replaced with a classic, dyed-in-the-wool arsehole. It’s so refreshing to meet someone you can hate with such simple, straightforward clarity.”