Zuckerberg to basically live in your house

THE new Facebook App Store will provide a bewildering number of ways in which Mark Zuckerberg can move in with you, it has emerged.

Alongside the usual opportunities to blithely volunteer your most intimate details to strangers, Facebook’s new features will allow Mark Zuckerberg to live in your home and help with critical decisions such as which colour you paint the kitchen.

Zuckerberg will also have the option to lie in your bed between you and your partner, loudly and tunelessly humming the theme to Dawson’s Creek.

Technology expert Nikki Hollis praised the variety of ingenious ways in which the app store will allow Mark Zuckerberg to intrude.

She said: “One lets you set a place for Mark Zuckerberg at the head of the dinner table.

“Another allows Mark Zuckerberg to decide you and your partner’s monthly love-making schedule.

“Not all the Apps are Zuckerberg-centric though. This one recommends movies you might want to watch – like The Social Network, the stirring true story of how a humble genius became a Christ-like figure.”

A Facebook spokesman said: “Some people find the idea of Mark Zuckerberg living in your spare room horrifying. And so do we.

“He’s a very important guest, and if he ever did grace you with his presence, he’d expect to sleep in your room, or at least a specially-built annex that is superior to the rest of your home.

“And you should get a new computer. You can’t expect Mark  to work his era-defining  magic on your knackered Dell.”



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Border hopefuls queueing long enough to gain citizenship

THE wait at Heathrow’s border control is now so long that many become full UK citizens while queueing.

The queues, which make up 72 per cent of the population of the London borough of Hillingdon, have been found to provide all the necessary conditions for a UK passport.

During the five-­year wait prospective entrants have learned English, proved themselves to be of good character by not pushing in, and quite possibly have had children on British soil.

Many have also shown a willingness to sustain themselves economically by getting jobs in WH Smith, Tie Rack, and have assimilated British culture by raising whole families on Greggs steak bakes.

Even those who do not qualify for citizenship are being admitted to the country by UK Border Agency staff who vouch for them personally.

Immigration officer Joseph Turner said: “When Ardjan turned out to have a string of convictions for people trafficking and murder in Albania, it hit me hard.

“We’d spent the last three years practically as neighbours and grown very close. I know this man and his six attractive sisters will be an asset to the country, so I allowed them to make their own passports out of cardboard.”

Immigration Minister Damien Green said: “What could be more British than waiting patiently in line for hour after hour, year after year, with only the faint prospect of anything worthwhile at the end of it?

“These people deserve their citizenship and the UK Border Agency must be congratulated for providing yet another example of superb private sector efficiency.”