98 per cent of people you went to school with are racist

ALMOST everyone that anyone has been to school with is a bigot, according to new research.

The Institute for Studies found that over 98 per cent of Facebook feeds are packed with racist views and updates from people the account holder has not seen or directly communicated with for over a decade.

Friends from secondary school were most likely to post distasteful jokes or share photographs from racist groups, whereas primary school classmates tended to post their own violent suggestions and crudely drawn offensive imagery.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “The more liberal, educated and open minded you are, the more likely you are to have gone to school with the angry and ill-informed.

“However, most people are reluctant to end their association with their racist school friends so that they can remind themselves continually what an excellent person they are.”

He added: “In fact, if you stop being friends with them you’re guaranteed to turn into a chorizo-phobe with a timeshare in Gibraltar.”

Roy Hobbs, from Bolton, said “All my school friends are horribly racist, but they’re not responsible for the most offensive content on my Facebook feed.

“That would be my mother.”

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Picnic ruined as everyone brings olives

A HOLIDAY picnic was destroyed yesterday after everyone turned up with nothing but marinated, unpitted olives.

Officials said all the guests had rejected artisanal pasties and premium corn snacks after calculating that a small tub of olives would give them the most change from a fiver.

Within minutes, guests were attacking each other with plastic wine glasses as their enraged bodies reacted against the lack of anticipated carbohydrate.

Organiser Tom Logan said: “When the first few people arrived I thought, ‘okay, we’re fine for olives’. By the twelfth I was smacking the tub out of their hands and biting them on the chin.”