A day in the life of a cancelled right-wing gobshite

By Norman Steele

CANCEL culture is ruining Britain by stopping people like me being heard, apart from on TV, in the newspapers and on the internet. Here is a day in my terrible life.

8am. Wake up in hell. Well, actually it’s my three-bedroom house in a salubrious part of North London, but I’ve been thrown into the hell of a Twitter spat for saying every employee in the UK will be forced to ‘take the knee’ when they arrive at work or face the sack. Yes, it was purely speculation on my part, but that’s free speech.

11.30am. Back from a traumatic hospital experience. I turned up and asked, in the Queen’s English, to be let into the hospital I pay my taxes for so I could stand in reception and bellow about the ‘plandemic’. They refused to let me in, obviously worried about the lies I would uncover. Meanwhile, immigrant staff were being allowed to wander around freely.

2.30pm. Went to my local police station. When asked what my business was I informed them I was turning myself in because I’d enjoyed the episode of Fawlty Towers where the Major uses a racial epithet and I needed to be immediately thrown into jail. The desk sergeant told me to stop wasting police time. Cancel culture has even infected the police, as I later explained on Julia Hartley-Brewer’s nationally broadcast Talkradio show.

6.30pm. Watched some of the Donald Trump impeachment trial. That poor man has suffered terribly from people trying to cancel him, and all whilst he was working very hard to cancel an election result. And he was cancelled from Twitter, which should be open to anyone wanting to incite deadly violence. But that’s cancel culture for you.

Your extremely specific and 100 per cent accurate Valentine's Day horoscope

WHAT do the stars predict for your Valentine’s Day? Here is a very definite and not-at-all made up insight into the most romantic day of the year.

Capricorn

Despite lockdown you will definitely have sex with a stranger named Malcolm whose nose whistles as he climaxes. It’s not an auspicious match though as he’ll dump you by text on Tuesday afternoon.

Aquarius

A petrol station at Clacket Lane Eastbound on the M25 brings love in the form of a white van man. You prang his door with your car, he is overcome with desire.

Pisces

A painful incident with a hot cup of coffee and your genitals finds you in A&E where you meet a caring nurse with a good heart and gentle fingers. You will marry quickly and divorce after 20 tedious years. Your children will resent you.

Aries

Love is in the air, Aries, specifically at 7.37am when you receive a call from an unknown number. If you miss it because you’re asleep, the heavens say you will definitely die alone.

Taurus

You may feel lonely this year, and that’s because no one finds you remotely attractive, funny or interesting. Chin up, though, because at least you can blame it on lockdown and not your personality.

Gemini

The two faces of Gemini are said to resemble your fascinating dual nature, but really everyone knows you’re a nasty piece of work who gossips behind people’s backs. No romance for you today, you don’t deserve it.

Cancer

Love opens a parcel with four stamps. It’s not yours, you stole it from the DHL man, but he is so intimidated by you that he agrees to move in to your house and pretend to love you forever.

Leo

If you’ve been waiting for a special question from your partner, today is the day it comes. Hopefully that question is ‘Have you seen the nail scissors?’ otherwise you are destined for disappointment.

Virgo

You will be needing antibiotics by the middle of March.

Libra

Children are about to play a bigger part in your life, thanks to that one-night stand you had at the end of October. Are you ready? No? Tough luck.

Scorpio

A neighbour who you considered a friend will make romantic advances today. Will it be pensioner Gerald from one side or creepy Sandra from the other? Actually it will be both.

Sagittarius

You and your partner will have perfunctory sex at 10pm before going to sleep with the news left on. We know this because it’s what you do every week.