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Advanced motorists 'have to reverse park with snakes in the car'


BECOMING an ‘advanced motorist’ requires keeping a cool head in a car full of venomous reptiles, it has emerged.

Representatives of the mysterious, Jedi-like Institute of Advanced Motorists have become TV fixtures during the snowy weather.

But former members describe the supposedly safety-focused group as being like a weirdly perfectionist warrior tribe.

Advanced motoring initiate Tom Booker said: “Two-thirds of candidates perish during the selection process.

“They lower you into a tank containing mako sharks and a Mondeo, then you have 90 seconds to change a tyre.”

 

 

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Van Persie keeps crippled version of self in attic

ROBIN van Persie has confirmed he has a withered, permanently-injured version of himself in his attic.

Manchester United’s self-assembly striker has gone 24 games without injury, beating his previous record by 23, thanks to a voodoo ritual that accompanied his £22.5m transfer.

The homunculus currently limping around the eaves of van Persie’s house appeared in a pentagram in the centre circle of Old Trafford, which hosts frequent cabalistic ceremonies to ensure the continued allegiance of Clive Tyldesley

Van Persie said: “Every time I jump up and down, I hear a little whimper from the loft as another one of his toes snaps like a Ryvita. He’s got a pulled hamstring, broken ankle and collapsed spleen after I helped a friend move house.

“The day I leave United he’ll disappear in a pop of green smoke and every injury will transfer back to me at which point I will announce my retirement from inside an iron lung.”

The use of satanic doubles in football has grown in popularity, with Gareth Bale owning one that is shaped like a Weeble while John Terry’s loft contains a sensitive, humble man with a passion for multiculturalism.

While at Arsenal physios urged Arsene Wenger to summon a van Persie homunculus but the manager refused to pay £50 for a fresh goat.

Van Persie also confirmed that Sir Alex Ferguson visits the attic twice a week to call the creature a ‘ponce’.

 

 

 

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