'Eat a whole multipack of crisps' tops recession bucket lists

RECESSION-HIT Britons have revised their lists of ‘things to do before I die’ to make them more realistic.

Old ambitions including skydiving and seeing the pyramids have been replaced by budget-conscious goals like ‘find something worth watching on ITV2’ or ‘borrow a dog’.

Builder Roy Hobbs said: “I always wanted to ride Space Mountain in Disneyland. Now my dream is to sit in a shopping trolley while my brother pushes it round a car park.”

Newsagent Francesca Johnson has also downsized her dreams: “I loved the idea of swimming with dolphins, but I’m massively in debt. So last week I lay in the bath while my husband threw fish fingers at me.”

Lifestyle guru Julian Cook advises people on how to harness the power of their dreams: “Don’t be too ambitious.  For example I wanted a proper job, but I’m quite happy doing this load of old shit.

“Instead of seeing the Northern Lights, why not try to get a seat on the Northern Line?

“Or instead of writing a book, see if you can balance one on your head.

Before the economic downturn, British males fantasized about sleeping with a movie star.  They now hope to marry Katie Price, an ambition most British men are set to fulfil by 2030.



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Coffee is the new fags

COFFEE has officially replaced cigarettes as Britain’s addictive drug of choice, it has emerged.

As it emerged that Britons spend around £6.3bn per year on the portable amphetamine-like hot drink, experts claim coffee is now doing exactly what fags used to do.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Ever noticed you’re always ‘gasping’ for coffee, although it’s a blatant rip-off and you suspect it’s ruining your health in ways you don’t fully understand?

“Also observe how it’s marketed to make you feel like a ‘connoisseur’ who cares about ‘blends’ and isn’t just a twitching junkie. Remind you of anything?

“We all gave ourselves a massive pat on the back for quitting fags but really we just exchanged them for…liquid fag equivalent.

“In another fifty years time, when it’s been medically proven that coffee makes your brain explode, only dinner ladies and alcoholics will drink coffee, standing out in the rain like lepers.”

Coffee addict Tom Logan said: “I’ve got my own coffee machine at home, which is the modern equivalent of smoking roll-ups.

“Yet I’m worried that coffee makes me sweat like a Mastermind contestant. Maybe I should stop. Can you buy caffeine patches yet?”