Unphotographed kitten found in Carlisle

RESIDENTS in Carlisle have a kitten that has not been pictured online, it has been claimed.

The eight week-old feline of unknown cuteness is being kept at a secret indoor location in case it is snapped looking quizzically into a fish pond or frolicking in snow.

It had been assumed that Britain’s last offline kitten, Tigger, was born in 2003.

Carlisle taxi driver Wayne Hayes said: “They’re calling it ‘The Omega Kitten’. Some local lads say they’ve got a blurry photo of it hiding inside a paper bag.

“My neighbour reckons it’s his kitten but he’s tweeted artistic photos of every meal he’s had since 2008 so I don’t believe him.”

Experts believe the Carlisle kitten’s DNA may hold the key to everybody getting on with their lives without internet neediness.

Catologist Roy Hobbs said: “I really need to see this animal. Even just a bit of tail.

“What’s up with it, why is it being so…weird?”



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Moral indignation outsourced to China

BRITAIN’S sense of moral indignation has been outsourced to a single man in China, it has emerged.

Social media controversies, the Christian Voice and Richard Littlejohn are all being coordinated from a shack just outside the Chinese capital by a permanently enraged man working 96-hour shifts.

As a result Britain’s judgemental output has fallen to its lowest level since 1918, when people were too busy dying of Spanish Flu to form opinions.

Prigologist Wayne Hayes said: “It’s far cheaper to have a man get infuriated on the other side of the world, then email it over.

“The anonymous bile-producer receives pitiful wages and will be shot for looking up from his desk.

“These things make his sense of frustration much more real than that of some UK journalist who’s got a nice house with a coffee machine.”

The outrage outsourcing was first noticed when a Rod Liddle was accidentally printed in its original Mandarin.

Britain’s moral indignation is funded by a cabal of editors, politicians and the people who sell the soft furnishings that make you feel better.

It has also been revealed that Jeremy Kyle is actually a CGI character, protestors outside Marie Stopes clinics are actors chosen for their resemblance to a vagina sucking a lemon and nobody in the UK is actually arsed about gay marriage.