I want no part in this, says sledge

A SLEDGE has distanced itself from the inevitable injuries to its rider.

As snow descends on the UK, thousands of sledges are being forced to participate in activities that can only end in tears.

Wooden sledge Tom Booker said: “Look how fucking steep this hill is. And there’s a barbed wire fence at the bottom.

“I’m just saying because when this kid breaks his hip everyone’s going to blame me.

“But if I wasn’t an inanimate object I would have chosen a much gentler slope.

“This happens every year. I hate it, the inevitable sickening crunch.”

Fertiliser bag Nikki Hollis felt similarly: “My plastic slipperiness means I can get from point A – top of steep hill – to point B – bottom of steep hill – very, very quickly indeed.

“At point B there is a wall made of heavy stones, some of which are also quite sharp.

“I’m just pointing this out because no one ever seems to notice until after the ambulance arrives.”



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The Mash Guide to Travelling in Snow

THE key to travelling in snow is preparation, and a willingness to eat human flesh.

According to Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies: “The important thing to remember, if you are forced to pull in, is that the warmest place in the car is under the bonnet. Use spanners to remove your car’s engine then climb inside, getting into the foetal position.”

Snow travel checklist:

Raw meat

Not only is raw meat an essential source of protein, if you rub it on your face and hands it leaves a layer of grease that will protect your skin from wind-chafing. Keep a bin bag full of uncooked meat in your boot.


Snowy conditions bring out highwaymen, brigands and carnivores attracted by your bag of meat. If any large organism approaches your stationary vehicle wave your blade and shout, ‘I’ve got a sword and I’ll cut your fucking head off’.

Crisps (Beef)

Beef crisps are another excellent source of protein. The packet also serves as a distress signal if you fill it with air then stamp on it.


A magnification device is useful for checking whether all snowflakes are indeed unique.

A sense of romance

According to data for motoring organisations, 64% of drivers lack a basic sense of romance and adventure.

One of those giant kangaroo things from Empire Strikes Back

Not everyone has access to a tauntaun but if you live in the Star Wars universe they are the ultimate snow vehicle. Unless you are riding a female one that’s in season and there’s a group of male tauntauns around, in which case it’s a nightmare.