Adventurous single man has masturbated in every room in house

A SINGLE man who is unafraid to let adventure and experimentation into his sex life has masturbated in every room in his house.

Oliver O’Connor, aged 36, refuses to be the kind of unimaginative man who restricts his solo self-love sessions to the bedroom, instead preferring to keep his manual emissions spontaneous, risky and exciting.

He said: “Too many men, when they’ve been single for years, fall into the same old dull routine. If they’re not watching porn on a laptop they’re not interested.

“I don’t ever want to get bored with wanking. Or to claim ‘it’s not really that important to me any more’, so I keep it fresh, I keep myself interested, I indulge my wild side.

“Is it easy bringing yourself off in the utility room? Does it feel natural, going at it two-handed in the kitchen? Is there a lot of visual stimulation in the loft? No, no and technically yes since I’ve got a full run of Razzle up there but it’s all boxed up.

“But there’s a thrill to cranking it standing wedged by the washing machine you can’t capture anywhere else. The danger of ejaculating on my own marble countertops brings me alive. And if you’ve never brought yourself off on the stairs, you have to try it.”

He added: “I’d like to take the next step and start wanking with the curtains open or maybe in the garden. But our sexually repressive society frowns on it.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

'My other half' and other fucking dreadful ways to describe your partner

IS ‘girlfriend’ or ‘boyfriend’ too vanilla for your partner? Does your one-of-a-kind love warrant a more stupendous, sickening title? 

‘My other half’

There’s nothing like the suggestion that you’re incomplete without your partner to get people retching. Especially if you’ve been seeing each other for a fortnight and all you know about him is his name and how many brothers he has. If you don’t have any self-worth, you could always call him ‘my better half’. That’s usually reserved for men, though.

‘My significant other’

This sounds impressive, but it’s also disturbingly vague. Lots of terrible things are significant, like bankruptcy and the Trail of Tears, so is your girlfriend on the same level as them? Is this your coded way of saying that you’re pining for her but she’s forced you to sleep on the downstairs sofa for a month? It’s slightly more personal than ‘next of kin’, but not much.

‘Hubby/wifey’

If there is a woman in this relationship, she’s completely taken over. The house is filled with kitsch signs and twee coasters with heartfelt quotes written on them. ‘Wifey’ is nothing; at home you use sickening pet names like ‘smoochie-face’, ‘sausage’ and ‘snuggle bunny’. Meanwhile your friends secretly call you ‘whipped’.

‘Babe’

Cute enough if you’re a teenager, cringe-inducing if you’re a proper grown up. Try calling your boyfriend ‘babe’ as an adult and watch all the love they had for you fade from their eyes. That’s unless they’re a gormless lovesick moron as well, in which case you’re perfectly suited to each other, and Tinder is better for you not polluting it.

‘My partner’

This is your safest bet if you want to sound normal, but it does have the strong implication that you’re forming a working relationship. Do you want to share their company, or start a company? Is this a marriage proposal, or a business proposal? Bedsheets or spreadsheets? Blowjobs or key genital-facing roles? 

‘My best friend’

No mates? No problem. Combine your sex and social life into a single person. It’s the one-size-fits-all solution for losers without personalities. Call your partner your ‘best friend’ and it’s clear nobody else can bear you. Even people who call their pets their best friend are ashamed for you.