Airport pubs hailed as best bit of going on holiday

BEING able to get legitimately drunk at 7am is the best part of going abroad, it has been confirmed.

Millions of people across the UK look forward to a hardcore early morning session in a hideously overpriced bar, despite knowing that the beginning of their trip will be ruined by a hideous hangover.

Holidaymaker Matin Bishop said: “There is nothing finer than being able to neck five pints of lager at a ridiculous time of the morning, even though it will cost me more money than I spent on the rest of the holiday.

“Plus, you end up feeling even more drunk thanks to the disorientating experience of having no sleep and sitting in a strip-lit hangar that reeks of perfume. It’s like a wonderful hallucinogenic dream.”

He added: “The rest of the holiday be utterly hellish because I will be with my friends for a continuous period of seven days.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Man expects praise for not being a misogynist

A MAN thinks he deserves recognition and respect for not being an obvious misogynist.

Nathan Muir, from Haggerston, believes that his conviction that women are more or less equal to men in most ways entitles him to some kind of medal.

Muir said: “I never hold doors open, I always offer to wash up, and I never turn off Question Time just because Germaine Greer is on.

“I also do my best to make sure the porn I watch is nicely lit with high production values.”

Muir said that workplaces should do more to ensure men and women were paid equally, but added that it was not a problem at his office because no women were employed there.

He continued: “I guess I’m just a really thoughtful, sensitive guy who loves Wonder Woman and abortions. I just wish everyone else was enlightened as me.

“I have many attractive female friends.”