Middle-aged friends instantly regret buying festival tickets

SEVERAL middle-aged friends are regretting buying tickets to a festival this summer.

The plan was concocted after a few drinks at a dinner party in November, but as the event draws nearer, they are wondering what possessed them to spend hundreds of pounds on a weekend in a quarry surrounded by teenagers on drugs.

Mother-of-two Nikki Hollis said: “This is going to cost as much as a week in Italy.

“I only liked festivals when I was younger because I could get shitfaced and try to get off with boys, now I’m going to be arguing with my husband about who stays in the tent to babysit the kids.”

The Whatsapp group chat about the event has dwindled from excited conversation to occasional concerned missives about travel plans and sanitary facilities on the festival site.

The only person still looking forward to the weekend is recent divorcee Tony Cooper, who has been studying the line-up and is now really into Skepta.

He is currently in negotiations with his nephew about procuring several grams of MDMA as a surprise for everyone.


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Ask Holly: World leaders are working their sorry asses off to impress me

Dear Holly,

Life in The White House is a bit like The Apprentice, but with world leaders having to work their sorry asses off to impress me instead of the usual management losers. I’m thinking of asking Xi Jinping and Vladimir Putin to come up with a business case for the apocalypse and then go and try to flog it down Camden Market out of the back of a van. Are you frightened yet?



Dear Donald,  

The only things that properly scare me are Mister Maker’s eyes, my granny’s enormous pink knickers from Littlewood’s and that mad monster called Zool that lives in the lady’s fridge in Ghostbusters. As long as the apocalypse doesn’t involve a combination of any of the above I am sure there is nothing to worry about and you need to stop being silly and go back to bed.

Hope that helps,