All the bullshit your dad's ever said fact-checked

YOUR old man has come out with some wild claims over the years, but is there any truth to them? Find out:

Claim: He doesn’t have a favourite child
Fact check: Of course he does, but you’ll only find out who it is when he dies and the will comes into effect. Spoiler alert: it’s not you or you’d know it was you. Try not to resent your sibling for getting the house too much.

Claim: His college band nearly made it big
Fact check: There was a time when your dad played bass in a band fronted by more talented people. They never performed anywhere larger than the local village hall though, because they mainly covered The Everly Brothers.

Claim: He was a troublemaker back in the day
Fact check: The extent of your dad’s misspent youth involved sneaking into an X-certificate film when he was underage and never handing in a tenner he found on the pavement to the police. Still, compared to your boring teenage years, this was some James Dean shit. 

Claim: He’s only ever had eyes for your mum
Fact check: For the sake of family stability this is categorically true. Do not under any circumstance probe into what exactly happened with that barmaid in 1992. Your mum and dad have put it behind them. He loves you very much.

Claim: He’ll get round to fixing that
Fact check: Bullshit at the time of writing. All the DIY projects he’s promised to fix have taken 23 years and counting. Get mum to nudge him into action by saying she’ll get a proper man in to look at it. Everything will be repaired within a couple of hours.

Claim: He’s proud of you
Fact check: Impossible to verify. This was only hastily slurred once when he had one too many brandies at Christmas. If pressed on this point he would have no recollection of saying it. Believe it if you need to. 

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Liverpool fan wakes up from dream where he kisses Erling Haaland

A LIVERPOOL fan has sat bolt upright from a dream in which Erling Haaland scores a hat-trick against his team and then they make out.

Stephen Malley of Sefton held his head in his hands, cold with perspiration, as he remembered the agony of the goals and the wunderkind striker’s sensuous lips and insistent tongue.

He said: “In my head, I’d hate him if he scored against us. But my wayward heart yearns to witness the miraculous.

“All three goals were so clinical. Left foot, right foot, header, each within 15 second-half minutes. I was on the Kop, howling with outrage, when Haaland drew to a halt in front of me. Our eyes met. My mouth hung open, silenced.

“He strode toward me, six foot four of blonde Norwegian goal machine perfection. I was transfixed. With the same unerring instinct that’s taken him to 20 goals this season alone, he reached for me. I folded like United’s press, gave in to the inevitable, and we kissed.

“I’m not gay. But even with the curtains open the memory lingers in the air. What does this mean? What if it comes true?”

By kick-off Malley will channel his homoerotic yearnings for the greatest striker of his generation into blind hatred of Liverpool’s opponents, as he does with all other emotions of any kind.