YOUR old man has come out with some wild claims over the years, but is there any truth to them? Find out:
Claim: He doesn’t have a favourite child
Fact check: Of course he does, but you’ll only find out who it is when he dies and the will comes into effect. Spoiler alert: it’s not you or you’d know it was you. Try not to resent your sibling for getting the house too much.
Claim: His college band nearly made it big
Fact check: There was a time when your dad played bass in a band fronted by more talented people. They never performed anywhere larger than the local village hall though, because they mainly covered The Everly Brothers.
Claim: He was a troublemaker back in the day
Fact check: The extent of your dad’s misspent youth involved sneaking into an X-certificate film when he was underage and never handing in a tenner he found on the pavement to the police. Still, compared to your boring teenage years, this was some James Dean shit.
Claim: He’s only ever had eyes for your mum
Fact check: For the sake of family stability this is categorically true. Do not under any circumstance probe into what exactly happened with that barmaid in 1992. Your mum and dad have put it behind them. He loves you very much.
Claim: He’ll get round to fixing that
Fact check: Bullshit at the time of writing. All the DIY projects he’s promised to fix have taken 23 years and counting. Get mum to nudge him into action by saying she’ll get a proper man in to look at it. Everything will be repaired within a couple of hours.
Claim: He’s proud of you
Fact check: Impossible to verify. This was only hastily slurred once when he had one too many brandies at Christmas. If pressed on this point he would have no recollection of saying it. Believe it if you need to.