'You're cute' and other compliments that mean men aren't getting a shag

ARE you in there or are you going home alone to angrily Google porn? If you hear these compliments, it’s the latter:

‘You’re cute’

Ouch. This is the compliment equivalent of locking away your dick and balls in a chastity cage and throwing away the key. If she wanted to shag you she’d say you’re ‘hot’, ‘fit’ or at the very least ‘handsome’. Being called ‘cute’ means she sees you in the same way as puppies and baby birds, neither of which she wants to bang.

‘You’ve got a wonderful personality’

Focusing on your personality rather than your raw animal magnetism is bad enough, but calling it ‘wonderful’ is the killing blow. Nobody calls anything wonderful anymore, not even things that are legitimately wonderful like fireworks or finding a fiver in an old coat. This means she isn’t saying what she means, which is ‘boring’.

‘This was a lovely evening’

What’s the problem? Sounds promising enough, right? Whoa there, soldier, look closer. Notice how she’s already referring to the evening in the past tense? That means it’s already over in her mind. She can’t wait to get home, change into her tracky bottoms, and do something more enjoyable than shagging you like mindlessly scrolling Instagram for four hours.

‘You’re just like my brother/ sister (delete as applicable)’

In some ways this is really sweet. It indicates that she immediately trusts and likes you, but sadly in a familial way which would be deeply wrong if it took a sexual turn. That’s unless she’s from an incestuous family, in which case it’s time for you to stop laying on the faux compliments and get the hell out of there.

‘You’re so nice’

Oh dear, the n-bomb. This not only indicates that she doesn’t want to shag you, it screams that she finds you utterly repellent. Nice is what you call something deeply awful when you don’t want to be offensive. Ugly feature walls and bad selfies are ‘nice’, and she sees you as their human equivalent. Better luck next time.

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Man technically still going out with girl he never dumped in playground

A 35-YEAR-OLD man is technically still in a relationship with his girlfriend from school because he never sent his mate over to dump her.

Tom Logan of Redditch failed to observe the customary ritual of dispatching a friend to tell Mary Fisher they were no longer a couple 22 years ago, when attending Arrow Vale Secondary, and consequently their relationship has continued until this day.

The news means Logan has two-timed her with eight different women, including his current wife, and everyone in his life now considers him a dirty disgusting cheat.

Logan said: “I forgot! That’s all that happened! Is that such a crime?

“Yes, looking back I remember Jo Kramer coming over to ask me out for Mary, and agreeing, and then the ritual never got performed in reverse. But it’s been decades. It doesn’t mean it still stands.

“It was one of those relationships you have as a 13-year-old where you don’t talk to each other or spend any time together or acknowledge each other, much like my present marriage. Now my wife’s claiming it’s grounds for divorce.”

Logan is resolving the situation by sending mate Joe Turner on a 880-mile round trip to Mary’s home in Aberdeen to tell her he is not going out with her anymore, and rewarding him with a Panini sticker of Steve McManaman.