Retired grandmother can't help with childcare because of urgent National Trust visit

A RETIRED grandmother is unable to look after her daughter’s children due to a National Trust visit that cannot be postponed.

72-year-old Helen Archer would love to spend her afternoon looking after a couple of shrieking grandchildren while her daughter goes to see friends, but her decision to visit a Grade II listed Tudor manor house must take priority.

She said: “If I don’t pop along today then I’ll never have the time. On Monday I have to take a cheque to the bank, and the rest of the week is packed with sitting down and watching Murder She Wrote. Poor Angela. She was a daytime murder great.

“Yes, I already went last week, but I didn’t get a proper look at the kitchen or learn about its connections with the East India Company. Plus I forgot to pick up damson jam from the gift shop. Now you understand why it can’t wait.

“I’m sure there must be someone else the grandkids love who’s willing to lend a hand at the last minute free of charge. There’s no way everybody is tied up with a pressing engagement like myself.”

Daughter Emma said: “Mum thinks she’s so smart by weaselling out of this. Kids under five get into Sutton House for free though, so I hope she enjoys dragging them round.”

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A Yorkshireman doing spoken-word poetry: signs an advert is a pile of wank

ADVERTISING is the most noble art form known to man, but occasionally lets itself down with cheap gimmicks like these:

There’s a Yorkshireman performing spoken-word poetry

Yorkshire has already sold out its gruff persona to hawk you everything from tea bags to Plusnet, and now it’s moved on to shitting all over its proud heritage of lyrical verse. No longer will the region’s poetry be associated with Ted Hughes or Simon Armitage, instead it’ll be known for trying to get you to join a building society.

It uses a beloved musical hit

What’s being shoved in your face? Doesn’t matter. If you tune out the marketing spiel you get to listen to a banger that’s easily accessible on YouTube. Unfortunately this advert will be on such heavy rotation it’ll ruin the song forever. And all because an advertiser couldn’t think of a creative way to shift car insurance.

Kevin Bacon’s in it

There’s only six degrees of separation between you and the Hollywood star, and there’s only six seconds until one of his f**king annoying adverts crops up on your screen. So what if he can use EE’s fibre optic broadband to land a plane? If it could end Bacon’s never-ending grift, that would be worth shouting about. Yeah yeah, he lost all his cash in a pyramid scheme. He doesn’t have to make that your problem.

It cares about a trendy social cause

Mental health, gender equality and climate change are all worthy causes that deserve airtime. What’s not needed though is petrol companies using them to make a quick profit. Especially seeing as they’re global corporations who made these issues worse in the first place.

It’s meta

The wankiest of all adverts are achingly self-aware in an attempt to stand out. They won’t even mention the product. It’ll just be a bunch of supermodels lying in a field chanting ‘Daisy Daisy Daisy’ until you’re forced to Google what the f**k that was about. When you find out it was promoting Marc Jacobs, you vow never to buy his cheap shit clothes from TK Maxx again.