Thursday, 29th October 2020

Anything can be a gun, discovers six-year-old

A MIDDLE-CLASS six-year-old not allowed toy weapons has discovered that anything can be a gun if you point it and make the noises. 

Joseph Turner of Didsbury is not allowed military toys by his aggressively non-violent parents but has discovered that even a branch can be a Heckler & Koch MP7 if you use your imagination.

He said: “Mum and dad are always telling me violence is wrong and guns are bad, even though guns are cool and everybody knows it.

“I was in the supermarket when I first picked up a banana, aimed down its yellow sights and began shooting all the customers with ‘p-kow’ noises.

“After that guns were everywhere. Sticks, the hand whisk from the kitchen, and for a short-lived but electrifying five-minute chase, the toilet brush.

“Mum and Dad are now afraid they’re raising a sociopath. Even when all objects are taken away, I form my hands into guns and take the two of them down slo-mo style.

“They’re so disturbed by it they’re thinking of getting me a tablet. Guns work.”