Anything can be a gun, discovers six-year-old

A MIDDLE-CLASS six-year-old not allowed toy weapons has discovered that anything can be a gun if you point it and make the noises. 

Joseph Turner of Didsbury is not allowed military toys by his aggressively non-violent parents but has discovered that even a branch can be a Heckler & Koch MP7 if you use your imagination.

He said: “Mum and dad are always telling me violence is wrong and guns are bad, even though guns are cool and everybody knows it.

“I was in the supermarket when I first picked up a banana, aimed down its yellow sights and began shooting all the customers with ‘p-kow’ noises.

“After that guns were everywhere. Sticks, the hand whisk from the kitchen, and for a short-lived but electrifying five-minute chase, the toilet brush.

“Mum and Dad are now afraid they’re raising a sociopath. Even when all objects are taken away, I form my hands into guns and take the two of them down slo-mo style.

“They’re so disturbed by it they’re thinking of getting me a tablet. Guns work.”

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Half an iPhone, and five other things women can almost fit in their pockets

ON occasion women’s clothing comes with pockets, and some of them are real. Here’s six things they can store: 

One Lotus Biscoff biscuit, broken

Perfect for stealing from a cafe so nobody sees you eat it then wolfing down on the way back to work. If you can’t fit the whole biscuit try grinding it into a powder and pouring it in.

Three fingers

Keeping your meat hooks in your pockets can make you look scruffy and unprofessional. Luckily women’s pockets are so small they can’t accommodate whole hands, but there’s enough room for three fingers if your nails are chewed down to stubs.

Half an iPhone

But only up to iPhone 8. All larger and subsequent iPhones are too large to accommodate. Simply carry a large bag with you at all times instead, or wedge into a back jeans pocket for ease of removal and theft.

A stamp

No half measures with this one. Simply peel your first or second class stamp out if its little booklet and pop it straight in. Can hold as many as 18, all ruined and unusable.

Hair grips

Hard to say how many will fit in a woman’s pocket. But considering the amount that are lying around it must be a ton, or they are perhaps produced in some way.

A swatch of graphene

With a thickness of just 3.4 angstroms, there’s no reason you can’t step out with a small swatch of miracle material graphene in your pocket. What’s more, the single-atom sheet of graphite won’t ruin your contour.