Secret to success is ability to function with hangover

A NEW study has found that the key to social, financial and romantic success is being able to function while horrendously hungover. 

The Institute for Studies found that across different professions, class backgrounds and genders, the most consistent achievers were those who could still do stuff the day after getting shitfaced.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “We looked for patterns. And found that from the garage mechanic who ends up running the place to the barrister who becomes a judge, it’s always because their shaking hands can keep it together.

“One subject rated far below his colleagues in skill and intelligence, but because he was still able to take calls and get through meetings when they couldn’t, he’s the pisshead CEO of a major hedge fund.

“They make better parents, more sensible decisions about houses and cars, and stay in education despite having banging f**king headaches every day.

“Einstein confronted the life-shattering dread of a hangover and understood the universe. Churchill won a world war with his pulsing head in his hands. Steve Jobs only invented touchscreens because keyboard noise was causing him pain.

“They truly are life’s winners.”

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The social media ars*hole's guide to being right

DETERMINED to win every argument even when you’re clearly wrong? Follow the example of the worst ars*holes on social media: 

Quote dubious research
Don’t just assume you’re outgunned when you find yourself debating economics with a famous economics professor. You can still come out on top by quoting the ill-informed ramblings of some oddball’s blog and mocking your opponent for not having read it.

Don’t concede valid points
Recognising the value of what your opponent is saying is for losers and centrists. Winners steamroll over any and all interlocutors and paint their attempts to be reasonable as lunatic fringe madness.

Ignore facts
It’s hard to be wrong when you pick and choose which facts are true or false depending on your beliefs. By turning a blind eye to a vast body of peer-reviewed research you can still claim that the Earth is flat or that the conclusion of Game of Thrones was brilliant.

Rally a lynch mob
If all else fails gather together some like-minded knuckleheads and intimidate whoever disagrees with you into submission. You’ll still be wrong of course, but at least now nobody will bother to engage with you.

Be the last man standing
Does the person you’re arguing with, 144 tweets into the thread, tire of saying the same thing again and again and abandon the argument? That counts as a win. Add a few mocking, dismissive comments then move on triumphant to the next sucker.