Are we doing enough to halt the rise of complete and utter psychopaths?

QUESTIONS were being asked across Europe last night if enough is being done to stem the rising tide of total insanity.

Politicians are coming under increasing pressure to explain what they are doing to ensure that people do not lose their minds and go completely fucking apeshit.

Experts said psychopaths were growing in strength and number due to a range of factors including mass, uncontrolled internet access and a chemical imbalance in their brains.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “European democracies need to act now to prevent some psycho sticking his head into his computer and coming out covered in hysterical, racist bullshit, rather than say Scientology or a lot of arse about herbal remedies.

“Crazy Scientologists never do this kind of thing because they’ve given all their money to the L Ron Hubbard Foundation for Mega-Thinking and don’t have any left to buy guns.

“And some homeopathic nutter can’t really do that much damage armed with a bushel of sage and a mystic aubergine.”

He added: “We need to use our democratic institutions to make sure that people who are completely insane do not fixate on some spurious rationale for their need to commit murder.”

Julian Cook, professor of medieval history at Roehampton University, said: “Could I just point out that if some lunatic compares himself to the Knights Templar we should take that seriously because they were fucked-up, racist murderers who believed in a fantasy as well.”

Meanwhile, the Daily Mail has confirmed it will wait another 24 hours before announcing reluctantly that this is all the sad but inevitable result of multiculturalism.



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Government to buy Tevez for the nation

THE government has tabled an ambitious £50m bid to preserve Carlos Tevez for the entire nation.

Manchester City are considering an offer from the department of culture, media and sport that will see the creature placed in a cage atop a plinth in Trafalgar Square, Runnymede or Alton Towers.

Sports minister Hugh Robertson said: “It’s important that we keep a native one alive and flourishing in the UK so future generations can tell their grandchildren they fed a lamb chop to an actual Tevez.

“He’s such a magnificent specimen and I’m sure that anybody that takes an interest in the Welsh will want to see him up close.

“Oh, he’s not Welsh? Are you absolutely sure about that? I really think you should check.”

The government faces competition from Inter Milan but Robertson has asked City to consider the warnings of welfare groups who claim Italy has an appalling record in the treatment of Tevezes.

He added: “He’ll be cooped up in a villa barely big enough to allow him to make a nest and defecate in.”

“And rather than fresh, raw meat from one of Britain’s excellent organic farms, they’ll try and force feed the little chap some pasta, which he is simply not designed to digest.”

Robertson said there were also plans for a national institute specialising in Tevezology and a scholarship programme that will teach depraved children how to chase down and devour an elk.