Wednesday, 28th October 2020

Are you in the top five per cent of wankers?

DEBATE has been raging over what it means to be in the top five per cent of earners, but could you also be in the top five per cent of wankers? Find out: 

How would you feel about earning £80k a year? 

A) Delighted to be financially comfortable.

B) Absolutely livid that you’re struggling to get by and getting rinsed by Marxist gangsters like Corbyn.

What is your dream car?

A) A comfy family Volvo or a classic Aston Martin you’re lovingly restoring yourself.

B) A four-tonne white SUV the size of a Jawa sandcrawler which can literally crush other road users and allows you to park on top of a primary school.

Do you have a favourite book?

A) Just anything that grips me, really – it could be Germinal or The Forever War.

B) I keep a copy of Sun Tzu’s The Art of War on my desk for others to see. But books are for snobby, nose-in-the-air twats. I only read Money Saving Expert.

Where are you planning to go on holiday next year?

A) Somewhere relaxing but culturally interesting, maybe Greece or Italy.

B) Dubai, which I think is totally amazing because it’s a cross between a shopping mall and motorway interchange where they don’t believe in human rights.

What is your ideal pub?

A) Anywhere with decent beer and a friendly atmosphere.

B) Anywhere I can hold court and rant on about my small business and Brexit like an angry little Henry VIII.


Mostly As: You are not even in the top 20 per cent of w*nkers. Try to be more gobby and shallow.

Mostly Bs: If you’re not in the top five per cent, you certainly know someone who is. Try to boost your profile by doing something like buying a share in a racehorse and boring everyone sh*tless about it.