Are you in the top five per cent of wankers?

DEBATE has been raging over what it means to be in the top five per cent of earners, but could you also be in the top five per cent of wankers? Find out: 

How would you feel about earning £80k a year? 

A) Delighted to be financially comfortable.

B) Absolutely livid that you’re struggling to get by and getting rinsed by Marxist gangsters like Corbyn.

What is your dream car?

A) A comfy family Volvo or a classic Aston Martin you’re lovingly restoring yourself.

B) A four-tonne white SUV the size of a Jawa sandcrawler which can literally crush other road users and allows you to park on top of a primary school.

Do you have a favourite book?

A) Just anything that grips me, really – it could be Germinal or The Forever War.

B) I keep a copy of Sun Tzu’s The Art of War on my desk for others to see. But books are for snobby, nose-in-the-air twats. I only read Money Saving Expert.

Where are you planning to go on holiday next year?

A) Somewhere relaxing but culturally interesting, maybe Greece or Italy.

B) Dubai, which I think is totally amazing because it’s a cross between a shopping mall and motorway interchange where they don’t believe in human rights.

What is your ideal pub?

A) Anywhere with decent beer and a friendly atmosphere.

B) Anywhere I can hold court and rant on about my small business and Brexit like an angry little Henry VIII.


Mostly As: You are not even in the top 20 per cent of w*nkers. Try to be more gobby and shallow.

Mostly Bs: If you’re not in the top five per cent, you certainly know someone who is. Try to boost your profile by doing something like buying a share in a racehorse and boring everyone sh*tless about it.

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We never said we liked beards, say women

WOMEN have pointed out that they never claimed to like beards and do not understand why every man now has one.  

Women of all ages from across the country have confirmed that they would be happier if facial hair went back to being unusual, rather than de rigueur for every single male chin over the age of 20.

Eleanor Shaw of Southampton said: “Yeah, we hate beards. Sorry. I don’t know where you got the impression we didn’t.

“Look at my chin. Red as a radish. That’s from snogging my boyfriend, who has a beard I didn’t ask for.

“It gets food in it. It gets drink in it. It’s abrasive and nasty and literally I can’t see your face. Can we all just decide it was a ’10s thing and shave them off, please?”

Martin Bishop said: “We don’t grow beards to impress women. We do it to resemble men who live in the Canadian wilderness, cut down trees, and hunt bears at the weekend.

“We have to do this because we have jobs as algorithm designers and live in studio flats in Dulwich.”