Election could be decided by 30,000 d*ckheads

THE election could be decided by no more than 30,000 total ars*holes, pollsters believe. 

The kn*bhead voters in 50 key marginals will decide the fate of the UK for generations to come which, according to experts, is not great news what with them being such twats.

Professional pollster Denys Finch Hatton said: “If it had to come down to 30,000 voters, it’s a real shame it’s these ones. They’re d*ckheads to a man.

“The future of the country is in the hands of BMW-driving Darrens in Thurrock, binge-watching Brians in Bolton West, and cava-swilling Carolines in Crewe and Nantwich. Frankly I despair.

“These people, who last watched the news in 2016, hold the election in their hands. It doesn’t matter how well-informed you are or how tactically you vote. It’s up to them.

“So get ready for an absolutely d*ckheaded decision on December 12th guided by innate prejudice, something they’ve overheard in a pub, and whatever they pick up from skimming a five-day-old Daily Star while waiting for their Chinese takeaway. Britain is doomed.”

Wayne Hayes of Northampton South said: “I don’t like wind farms. I’ll decide whoever’s against them on the day.”

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Prince Andrew to sort everything out by saying she looked 18

PRINCE Andrew is to sort this whole mess out by announcing that he would have sworn the girl was 18.

The Duke of York will hold a press conference on the steps of Buckingham Palace, wearing his military dress uniform and all his medals, to tell the world’s media that actually he thought the girl could even have been 20.

He will say: “I’m a man of the world. I’ve been around a lot, and there is no way anyone would have pegged that chick as illegal.

“Sure, she looked young, but take it from me once you’re past 40 they all look young and they’re all gabbling on about some pop music band or other, so that’s no guideline.

“Also, must I remind everyone that the age of consent in the UK is 16? Not 18, like in the US? 16. See, it’s here on this laminated card of worldwide consent ages I keep on me at all times.

“So, to sum up, I thought she was 18, she definitely looked 18, it’s fine anyway and I’m completely off the hook. Sorted? Sorted.”