Saturday, 7th December 2019

Election could be decided by 30,000 d*ckheads

THE election could be decided by no more than 30,000 total ars*holes, pollsters believe. 

The kn*bhead voters in 50 key marginals will decide the fate of the UK for generations to come which, according to experts, is not great news what with them being such twats.

Professional pollster Denys Finch Hatton said: “If it had to come down to 30,000 voters, it’s a real shame it’s these ones. They’re d*ckheads to a man.

“The future of the country is in the hands of BMW-driving Darrens in Thurrock, binge-watching Brians in Bolton West, and cava-swilling Carolines in Crewe and Nantwich. Frankly I despair.

“These people, who last watched the news in 2016, hold the election in their hands. It doesn’t matter how well-informed you are or how tactically you vote. It’s up to them.

“So get ready for an absolutely d*ckheaded decision on December 12th guided by innate prejudice, something they’ve overheard in a pub, and whatever they pick up from skimming a five-day-old Daily Star while waiting for their Chinese takeaway. Britain is doomed.”

Wayne Hayes of Northampton South said: “I don’t like wind farms. I’ll decide whoever’s against them on the day.”