Bread has f*cking raisins in it

A SLICED, wholemeal loaf of bread contains f*cking raisins, it has been confirmed.

The bread, bought from a supermarket in Peterborough, seemed normal until owner Nathan Muir opened the bag in the hope of making a sandwich.

Muir said: “I noticed these black blobs and at first I thought it might have been big seeds. I’m very happy with seeds. Maybe even some nuts. I am quite sophisticated.

“Then I wondered if someone had accidentally mixed in some rabbit shit and how that would be okay as long as my bread did not contain manky little bits of dried fruit.”

He added: “Someone please tell me – how the f*ck can I put ham on this?”

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Father's friend doesn't deserve 'uncle' status

A 38-YEAR-OLD father of two has confirmed that one of his closest friends does not deserve the status of ‘uncle’.

Tom Booker, from Edinburgh, stressed his friend Mark could have made a good ‘uncle’ if he could actually remember the children’s names and the fact that they exist.

Booker said: “He’ll call me every couple of months and suggest we go for an old-fashioned Saturday afternoon session and I say ‘no, I’m taking the kids to karate lessons’.

“And he then pauses and says ‘of course, of course’ but I know he’s thinking ‘oh shit, he’s got kids –  how many and what the f*ck are they called?’.

“And then he’ll say ‘send lots of love from Uncle Mark’ before asking how my wife is.”

Booker’s wife Melissa said: “Mark recently suggested we all celebrate Christmas together this year and I didn’t know what to say. His hugs last way too long.”