Army to provide surly 24-hour garage service

SOLDIERS are being trained to tut, sigh and then finally deliver the wrong brand of cigarettes through the sliding metal tray at 24-Hour-garages.

With the army already on stand-by to deliver fuel in the event of a tanker strike, ministers want to ensure petrol stations continue to provide their full range of horribly unpleasant and expensive services.

At army camps across the country fake garages have been built from plywood so that soldiers can learn the lay out of a typical kiosk and then move around it as as slowly as possible.

A Ministry of Defence spokesman said: “We are getting very good at completely ignoring people for up to two and half minutes.

“The next stage is to master just standing there in a trance listening to Magic FM while someone shouts through the glass as loudly as they can.

“Hopefully we can also perfect that attitude, at once judgmental and moronic, which says ‘why would you need a copy of Escort at 2am?’ without realising they are deaiing with a man who is alone and awake at 2am.”

The spokesman added: “The one thing 24-garage workers are better at than anyone else is projecting palpable resentment at being asked to do the thing they are paid to do.

“But luckily there are still plenty of soldiers who think the army should be all about skiing and helping elderly Africans cross the road.”


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Cameron begins search for new pimp

DOWNING Street has advertised for an experienced prostitution agent.

The job involves soliciting for clients who will then meet the prime minister at Number 10 or Chequers and have sexual intercourse with him. The pimp will then collect the money and use it for general election campaigns.

The post became vacant after Peter Cruddas was sacked for putting ‘pimp’ on his business card and wandering up and down Whitehall asking strangers if they would like half an hour with a fresh, young prime minster who is ‘very clean’.

Meanwhile the pimp search has offered a rare glimpse into the world of paid-for Downing Street intercourse.

A former Number 10 employee said: “It was my job to replenish the lotion pumps.

“Mr Blair used to do it in the Purple Room, while Mr Brown did it on a rusty old iron bed in the basement.

“Mr Cameron prefers to use the first floor library. Because it has a swing.”

The source added: “Some of them just like to talk, but most of them want a good, dirty fuck. Some of the dirtier ones ask specifically for George Osborne.”

One senior investment banker said: “If you’re feeling mucky you don’t want to waste your time with some high-class tart who thinks he’s better than you. You want a manky little trollope with elastic thighs and a good, strong jaw.”

Mr Cameron last night defended his job, insisting he gave his clients something they could not get at home such as an implicit veto on tax policy and swallowing.