Army to provide surly 24-hour garage service

SOLDIERS are being trained to tut, sigh and then finally deliver the wrong brand of cigarettes through the sliding metal tray at 24-Hour-garages.

'We ain't got no king-size Rizlas'

With the army already on stand-by to deliver fuel in the event of a tanker strike, ministers want to ensure petrol stations continue to provide their full range of horribly unpleasant and expensive services.

At army camps across the country fake garages have been built from plywood so that soldiers can learn the lay out of a typical kiosk and then move around it as as slowly as possible.

A Ministry of Defence spokesman said: “We are getting very good at completely ignoring people for up to two and half minutes.

“The next stage is to master just standing there in a trance listening to Magic FM while someone shouts through the glass as loudly as they can.

“Hopefully we can also perfect that attitude, at once judgmental and moronic, which says ‘why would you need a copy of Escort at 2am?’ without realising they are deaiing with a man who is alone and awake at 2am.”

The spokesman added: “The one thing 24-garage workers are better at than anyone else is projecting palpable resentment at being asked to do the thing they are paid to do.

“But luckily there are still plenty of soldiers who think the army should be all about skiing and helping elderly Africans cross the road.”