Atheist who blocked friend’s toilet resorts to prayer

A COMMITTED atheist who has blocked his friend’s toilet has called upon the mercy of the Lord, he has admitted. 

Joe Turner caused the blockage the day after enjoying a huge roast washed down with loads of red wine, and having exhausted all practical options has turned to the spiritual world.

He said: “Please, oh Lord, if you’re really there send me a miracle. Or at least something long and pokey like a barbecue fork.

“Ben can’t find out the truth about what happened here. He cannot know the foul deeds I perform in his bathroom. Help me in my hour of need.

“Reveal yourself to me, your humble servant, and I swear I will spread your teachings like St Paul after his conversion. Oh God, he’s coming up the stairs. Lord. Please.”

God said: “I appreciate the sentiment. But it’s never going to make an inspiring parable, is it?”

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Prince Andrew opens his f**king mouth

PRINCE Andrew has only gone and opened his fucking mouth about Brexit, the disgusted business community has confirmed. 

The Duke of York has told UK businesses to make the most of new opportunities offered by withdrawing from the EU, as if he knew anything about any of it.

Businessman Thomas Logan said: “This is so offensive to us.

“Imagine Cliff Richard speaking on behalf of inner-city black youth, or Ken Livingstone representing the Jewish community. That’s how we feel.

“There is no Commonwealth, you pork-jowled idiot, there’s just a load of countries who feel obliged to make a fuss of you when you’re on holiday.

“Shut the fuck up. You’re sixth in line to the throne. Nobody would miss you.”