Awful middle class child looking for second treehouse as an investment

A MIDDLE class child is on the lookout for a second treehouse in order to make a killing on the property market.

Seven-year-old Tom Logan is keen to purchase a timber construction one-storey property up a tree that will double in price and could be let out to students.

Logan said: “I’m after a well-maintained treehouse that will shoot up in value thanks to Britain’s insane property prices. I’m almost eight now, so it’s about time I started investing in property.

“I’m not planning to play in it, it’s an investment pure and simple. Who knows, in a few years I could have a nice little portfolio of buy-to-let treehouses.”

Indicating a corner of his parents’ garden, Logan said: “Something in this area would be good. It’s close to all the amenities, like the paddling pool and swing.

“It’s also got easy access to transport links as it’s right near the driveway. A letting agency would be keen on that.”

Logan said he intended to spend the minimum amount furnishing the new property and would only be providing several half-finished Capri Suns and a ‘No gurls alowed’ sign.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Millennial resigns herself to having 'plant babies'

A WOMAN who cannot afford to buy a house and fill it with children has decided to become the ‘mum’ of her houseplants instead.

Even a pet or ‘fur baby’ would be too much for Francesca Johnson’s limited resources, so she is instead devoting herself to bringing up pot plants she has given names.

Johnson said: “While it would be nice to have kids the only way I could afford to rent a house instead of a bedsit is if I moved to somewhere like Wigan. So that’s out for a start.

“Instead I’m putting all my energy into my ‘plant babies’. They’re less hassle than real children and you can still give them aspirational names. That spider plant’s called Crispian.

“You get the challenging side of parenting too, because they need to be fed and never say please or thank you, just like real kids. And I’ll be able to bond with other parents because it’s going to be a real hassle finding a school that will accept a pot plant.

“But the real upside is that if I get bored and neglect them for several weeks, I can just pop them in the bin without worrying about social services getting involved.”