A BABY will spend eight hours deciding how he will make bedtime a complete and utter shit show.
One-year-old David Hollis aims to put his plan into action the minute his parents put him down in his cot.
He said: “I am going to start with some simple sleep refusal, followed by losing my shit every time they try to leave the room.
“Then I’ll do this neat little trick where I feign drowsiness but when they lie me down, I unleash merry hell!
“Next, I’ll throw in few gratuitous Screams For No Apparent Reason and two or three large shits.
“Finally, just as they are Googling ‘can you sell babies on Ebay’ I’ll hit them with a few cute smiles to make them feel guilty.
“Then more shits.”