If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best, declares sociopath

A SOCIOPATH has confirmed that if you cannot handle her at her worst then you do not deserve her at her best, for some reason.

Nikki Hollis made the declaration to ex-boyfriend Martin Bishop after the two split up, which was caused by her always being at her worst.

Hollis said: “Sure, I can be hard to handle, but if Martin can’t deal with regular screaming rows then he doesn’t deserve me when I’m not drunkenly ringing him at 3am to call him a prick.

“I may have done the odd challenging thing like going through his stuff looking for evidence of a nonexistent affair, but I’ve done some lovely sweet things too, like buying him a bag of pasta last year.”  

However Bishop said: “What Nikki doesn’t seem to realise is that her being at her best is just her not being at her worst. Although not getting your car keyed is nice.

“I do miss her, or maybe it’s just not having to constantly deal with mad shit like her investing all her savings in Bitcoins or getting really furious about the way I chop carrots.”

Hollis added: “It’s his loss, although he did look strangely relieved when we split up, a bit like someone who’s discovered they’re not going to prison.”

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Folk music much worse than previously thought

A MAN who decided to make the leap from pretend olde worlde music like Mumford & Sons to actual folk songs desperately wishes he had not.

Tom Logan, 32, has tried his hardest to enjoy traditional English tunes but found they made him want to listen to almost anything else, including power drills and babies crying.

Logan said: “I do a boring office job and haven’t got much of a personality so I thought liking folk music would make me seem authentic and interesting, but it’s just so horrible to listen to.

“Why does everyone sing with a pretend West Country accent? Why do they choose the most annoying instruments to play? Why are they obsessed with life on the railway 200 years ago?

“I wish I could love the songs of my forefathers but it’s all so po-faced and earnest. Also no one should have to hear a recorder again once they’ve left primary school.

“If our national music is this twee, twiddly diddly nonsense we deserve to be shafted by Brexit and left alone on our weird little island singing about unlucky peasants being hanged.”