If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best, declares sociopath

A SOCIOPATH has confirmed that if you cannot handle her at her worst then you do not deserve her at her best, for some reason.

Nikki Hollis made the declaration to ex-boyfriend Martin Bishop after the two split up, which was caused by her always being at her worst.

Hollis said: “Sure, I can be hard to handle, but if Martin can’t deal with regular screaming rows then he doesn’t deserve me when I’m not drunkenly ringing him at 3am to call him a prick.

“I may have done the odd challenging thing like going through his stuff looking for evidence of a nonexistent affair, but I’ve done some lovely sweet things too, like buying him a bag of pasta last year.”  

However Bishop said: “What Nikki doesn’t seem to realise is that her being at her best is just her not being at her worst. Although not getting your car keyed is nice.

“I do miss her, or maybe it’s just not having to constantly deal with mad shit like her investing all her savings in Bitcoins or getting really furious about the way I chop carrots.”

Hollis added: “It’s his loss, although he did look strangely relieved when we split up, a bit like someone who’s discovered they’re not going to prison.”