Become a vicar: last-ditch ways to crack the housing market

DESPERATELY searching for any possible route onto the property ladder? Desperate enough to try one of these? 

Become a vicar

Fancy being given a house for free? Usually a nice old one next to a church? Then pledge to serve to an almighty deity for life and you’ll move into your very own vicarage. Having tea with elderly ladies wanging on about immigration is a small price to pay. It’s enough to make you believe in God.


What are homeowners but squatters on a bank’s property? Cut out the middleman and move into a house owned by a sanctioned Russian oligarch through a chain of offshore holding companies. He’s probably forgotten the three-bed semi in Bromley. All you have to do is secretly live there for a decade and it’s yours.

Marry up

You can’t afford a home because your family made the short-sighted decision to not have massive amounts of historical wealth, so find someone who has. Any Made In Chelsea bell-end will do. Get shagging. Soon you’ll have your name on the deeds of a Knightsbridge penthouse.

Become a ghost

Ghosts all live in rambling period properties without paying a penny in rent. Whether you fancy a Georgian mansion, a Victorian townhouse or even a Scottish castle, all you need to do is get horribly murdered on site and for your killing to remain unsolved, which in these times of police cuts is almost guaranteed.

Move to the north-east

Remember the halcyon days of the 1990s when houses cost 50 grand? They never went away in Middlesbrough, so zip up there, pick yourself up a bargain home in a former pit-village for less than the cost of a London deposit and get gentrifying!

Become the Chancellor

Not only does the Chancellor of the Exchequer receive a fat salary, they’re also given the keys to 11 Downing Street. It doesn’t matter if you’re remotely qualified, they’re churning through them. It’s only a matter of time before you’re given the call, like jury duty.

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Woke builder cat-calls women based on how beautiful they are inside

A PROGRESSIVE builder is only yelling compliments at passing women for their personality and political activism, rather than looks. 

Scaffolding technician Stephen Malley made the incredibly courageous choice to only provocatively shout at female pedestrians if they have a beautiful character and values.

Speaking of his decision, Mr Malley said: “This isn’t about me, it’s about women. They deserve to be appreciated for what really matters.

“For too long, it’s been the girls with pretty faces, terrific arses or massive jugs getting all the attention. But what about the girls with sexy brains? With Twitter accounts uplifting marginalised voices? Where’s their unwanted attention?

“Sure, a lady who happens to be showing cleavage appreciates recognition. But I’m not about the surface. I’d only consider yelling ‘I’ve got a cock here with your name on it’ if her feminism was intersectional.

“Also, I’ll be prioritising women of colour. I won’t say that this makes me the Rosa Parks of cat-calling. I’ll leave that to you.”

Colleague Joe Turner said: “The other day he wolf-whistled this bird buying a Big Issue while completely ignoring a group of well hot student chicks. It’s disgraceful.”