DESPERATELY searching for any possible route onto the property ladder? Desperate enough to try one of these?
Become a vicar
Fancy being given a house for free? Usually a nice old one next to a church? Then pledge to serve to an almighty deity for life and you’ll move into your very own vicarage. Having tea with elderly ladies wanging on about immigration is a small price to pay. It’s enough to make you believe in God.
Squat
What are homeowners but squatters on a bank’s property? Cut out the middleman and move into a house owned by a sanctioned Russian oligarch through a chain of offshore holding companies. He’s probably forgotten the three-bed semi in Bromley. All you have to do is secretly live there for a decade and it’s yours.
Marry up
You can’t afford a home because your family made the short-sighted decision to not have massive amounts of historical wealth, so find someone who has. Any Made In Chelsea bell-end will do. Get shagging. Soon you’ll have your name on the deeds of a Knightsbridge penthouse.
Become a ghost
Ghosts all live in rambling period properties without paying a penny in rent. Whether you fancy a Georgian mansion, a Victorian townhouse or even a Scottish castle, all you need to do is get horribly murdered on site and for your killing to remain unsolved, which in these times of police cuts is almost guaranteed.
Move to the north-east
Remember the halcyon days of the 1990s when houses cost 50 grand? They never went away in Middlesbrough, so zip up there, pick yourself up a bargain home in a former pit-village for less than the cost of a London deposit and get gentrifying!
Become the Chancellor
Not only does the Chancellor of the Exchequer receive a fat salary, they’re also given the keys to 11 Downing Street. It doesn’t matter if you’re remotely qualified, they’re churning through them. It’s only a matter of time before you’re given the call, like jury duty.
