Energy bills going back up but at least your mortgage is higher

THE public has been reassured that while energy bill support will end, their mortgages will still be going up by a consoling few hundred a month. 

Relieved homeowners are less worried about energy bill support ending in April because the rise in their mortgage payments should more than make up for it.

A Treasury spokesman said: “Yes, the price of heating your home and microwaving your Pot Noodles could soar to £4,347 a year, but that’s glass-half-empty thinking.

“Try to focus on the positives instead, like your fixed-rate deal ending in May and interests rates being five per cent by then. Which is slightly less than was forecast a few days ago. I hear your collective sigh of relief.

“And don’t forget we’re trimming the fat on public spending too, meaning you can wave goodbye to socialist vanity projects like schools, hospitals and libraries. So there’s light at the end of the tunnel.”

Nikki Hollis of Dawlish said: “It’s a Jeremy Hunt budget in a collapsing Tory administration. No way it’s going to last until March.”

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Woman makes mistake of showing full potential to employer

A WOMAN has made the appalling mistake of showing her employer everything she is capable of doing.

Ignoring warnings from colleagues, 23-year-old Lauren Hewitt approached her new job with enthusiasm, completed tasks competently, in full and promptly, ensuring the rest of her time in the position will be harrowing.

She explained: “You’ve got to understand, I was in a really bad place at the time. I’d been hit by optimism and thought I should throw myself into everything and give it my all.

“It started small, like replying to emails right away and answering calls on the first ring. And then I got to the point of no return: they asked me if I had any capacity to take on an extra task, and I said yes.

“How was I supposed to know how it would snowball? Now they keep asking me to do things and expecting me to do them well. They’re saying words like ‘growth’ and ‘promotion’ and ‘long-term strategy’.

“I should have kept my head down. Seamus opposite has a masters in economic planning which he’s kept completely hidden in favour of doing bugger all.

“The next job I get I need to establish a baseline of the bare minimum. That way when I do get off my arse to do something, they throw a f**king parade.”