Being cool and being a parent not compatible

IT is not possible to be cool and a parent, experts have warned.

An increase in magazines and websites for stylish ‘upscale’ parents has fuelled a delusion that people with children are something other than the empty husks of their former selves.

Sociologist Mary Fisher said: “In previous generations we accepted that once you had kids you were basically dead.

“Fashion, music and art were no longer for you because you were so tired and had spent all your money on plastic animals.

“In a way that’s part of the reason for being a parent, that you no longer only care about your stupid self and idiotic consumer bullshit.”

Researchers at the Institute for Studies confirmed that it is not possible to be cool and a parent.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Even if you’re a parent with a big house full of antlers and art books, and you’ve got £400 jeans, you’re not cool.

“Young people decide who’s cool. You’re old and weird, you probably like Gwyneth Paltrow and are certainly an idiot.”

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Lloyds horse quits

THE Lloyds horse has stepped down after losing confidence in the bank.

Stallion Roy Hobbs was an iconic figure in the financial services industry, but became increasingly disillusioned in the wake of the PPI scandal.

He said: “As a horse, I shared none of the corporate values of Lloyds but was happy to persist with my role in exchange for a paddock, treats and a fence to rest my chin on.

“I began to get pissed off when they started their own in-branch radio station. No-one wants to hear All Saints’ Never Ever when they’re writing out a paying in slip.

“But mainly it was that they’re a bunch of bastards.”

A Lloyds spokesman said: “It’s a blow, but already we were thinking of switching the horse for a lizard. There’s just something about lizards that we find appealing.”