Being crap in bed and other things you can't blame on Brexit

BREXIT is often blamed for Britain’s woes, but only because they’re its fault. However there are still some things that cannot be pinned on our decision to leave the EU.

Being crap in bed

Brexit has resulted in supply chain issues and a skills shortage, but your inability to bring a sexual partner to climax is all on you. That’s unless the Northern Ireland post-Brexit trade deal is weighing so heavily on your mind that you can barely muster a lacklustre handjob. But that still doesn’t explain why you were crap in bed before 2016.

Not getting that promotion

F**k, overlooked for a pay rise again? Clearly this is a petty act of revenge by the ‘EUSSR’, or perhaps they’ve put red tape in place to stymie plucky British industry? After all, they’re really jealous of our flagging economy. Or maybe there’s another explanation, eg. your inability to perform even the most basic of tasks and habit of arriving at work hungover every day.

Being unfit

No matter how much you insist that your body would be in peak physical condition if only you could buy fruit and veg from Aldi, that’s not true, is it? Your local gym isn’t affected by freedom of movement restrictions, so the only reason you haven’t popped along for a quick cardio session is because you’re a lazy shit.

Still being single

Yes, Brexit has made it harder to fall in love with someone on the continent and move abroad to live with them, but you weren’t even close to doing this while we were in the EU. Brussels hasn’t stopped a steady stream of hot singles finding you attractive, you were taking care of that yourself thanks to your boring personality. And let’s not forget you’re crap in bed.

Your shit haircut

The unflattering hairdo you’re sporting is only partially your fault. While it’s true you could have been more clear with what you wanted or shown the barber a photo, your inept, half-asleep hairdresser must also take some of the blame. The EU’s 27 member states are entirely innocent, although the Daily Express will probably try to implicate them given the chance.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

As a middle-class vegan, the vegetable crisis is life-threatening to me

TABLOIDS joke about it. The supermarkets pretend it is no big deal. But as a middle-class vegan, vegetable rationing is life-threatening to me.

When I saw that supermarkets were limiting sales of cucumbers, broccoli and bell peppers, I fell to my knees in my open-plan kitchen-dining area with cedarwood countertops and cried out ‘Why?’

I’d seen the writing on the wall already. Since January I’ve been forced to surreptitiously serve my children non-organic vegetables on occasion. They didn’t notice, though I’m sure their cognition is impaired.

But for this to happen? For tomatoes and cauliflower to be restricted to two per customer? For the iron walls of an invisible prison to crash down around us, condemning us to starve for our ethical beliefs?

What next? Aubergines? Rocket? Avocados? Without these staples of our selfless, planet-saving diet, how can we be expected to survive?

I was called hysterical when I said Brexit meant death for vegans like us. I was told to accept the democratic will of the people, even though they had voted for me and my blameless family to be cleansed from the country. Well, you can’t call me hysterical today.

Soon, five-bedroom households across the country will fall silent, the only sound drifting from behind closed curtains the babble of Radio 4, or 6Music if my husband’s home.

We cling to the lifeline that is Waitrose, the last bastion of vegan freedom, the only supermarket courageous and expensive enough not to impose any restrictions.

If we can make it to summer, the tomatoes in our greenhouse will ripen and we will be saved. Though that will, heartbreakingly, mean a Christmas without chutneys.