BREXIT is often blamed for Britain’s woes, but only because they’re its fault. However there are still some things that cannot be pinned on our decision to leave the EU.
Being crap in bed
Brexit has resulted in supply chain issues and a skills shortage, but your inability to bring a sexual partner to climax is all on you. That’s unless the Northern Ireland post-Brexit trade deal is weighing so heavily on your mind that you can barely muster a lacklustre handjob. But that still doesn’t explain why you were crap in bed before 2016.
Not getting that promotion
F**k, overlooked for a pay rise again? Clearly this is a petty act of revenge by the ‘EUSSR’, or perhaps they’ve put red tape in place to stymie plucky British industry? After all, they’re really jealous of our flagging economy. Or maybe there’s another explanation, eg. your inability to perform even the most basic of tasks and habit of arriving at work hungover every day.
No matter how much you insist that your body would be in peak physical condition if only you could buy fruit and veg from Aldi, that’s not true, is it? Your local gym isn’t affected by freedom of movement restrictions, so the only reason you haven’t popped along for a quick cardio session is because you’re a lazy shit.
Still being single
Yes, Brexit has made it harder to fall in love with someone on the continent and move abroad to live with them, but you weren’t even close to doing this while we were in the EU. Brussels hasn’t stopped a steady stream of hot singles finding you attractive, you were taking care of that yourself thanks to your boring personality. And let’s not forget you’re crap in bed.
Your shit haircut
The unflattering hairdo you’re sporting is only partially your fault. While it’s true you could have been more clear with what you wanted or shown the barber a photo, your inept, half-asleep hairdresser must also take some of the blame. The EU’s 27 member states are entirely innocent, although the Daily Express will probably try to implicate them given the chance.