Benefits fine when middle-class parents get them

FINANCIAL handouts are entirely acceptable when middle-class parents earning up to £60,000 receive them, it has emerged.

The positive reaction to yesterday’s budget has confirmed the long-held belief that benefits are not a blight on society if they go to nice families who do not misspell their children’s names and live in a detached house with a labrador called Rufus.

Mum-of-two Francesca Johnson said: “I work hard to live beyond my means in an aspirational way. I don’t see why I should be penalised for that.

“Thanks to bumping up the high-income child benefit threshold by ten grand I’ll be able to take my pretentious kids Octavia and Xander to more art galleries and National Trust properties, which is my God-given right as a middle-management office worker on an already generous pay grade.

“I’ll also be able to pay for childcare, which is ludicrously expensive. They know I read the Guardian but I still have to pay full price. It’s the worst kind of discrimination.

“Of course when the chancellor helps out low-income families I feel resentful and start secretly enjoying documentaries called things like Scrounging, Fat and on Benefits and Cap In Hand Chav Street.

“They should learn to cut their coat according to their cloth, just like I haven’t.”

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Colin Firth in a wet shirt: Seven wanks that have been approved by society

COLIN Firth’s shirt from Pride and Prejudice has been auctioned for £25,000, which is a lot for a very predictable wank fantasy. Here are some more that are tediously socially acceptable.

Ross Poldark topless

In 2018 women were instructed to start wanking over Aiden Turner in the remake of the 70s historical drama Poldark. They happily complied, and it’s only fair because men had been wanking like caged monkeys over red-haired servant girl Demelza since 1975.

Tennis Girl 

Sadly Tennis Girl wasn’t her actual name and she was an 18-year-old art student called Fiona Butler who became a freelance illustrator based in Worcestershire. However the Athena poster of Tennis Girl scratching her arse played such a key role in wanking in the 70s and 80s it’s amazing any man over the age of 40 can get an erection without some manky tennis balls nearby. 

Sam Fox 

In the 80s wanking over Sam Fox was as normal and healthy as eating an apple. In 1985 you could probably have started tugging away over your copy of The Sun on the bus, and all anyone would have said was: ‘Having a good wank over Sam, mate? Smashing.’ And don’t let anyone tell you her school uniform pictures were a bit noncey – it was just encouraging teenagers to take an interest in the newly-introduced GCSEs.

Colin Firth in a wet shirt

The only problem with this is that it’s the very definition of ‘vanilla’ – nice Colin, in a clean white shirt, in a quality period drama. By all means get rubbin’ the nubbin, but also watch some proper filth on the internet as well, just in case your sexual tastes become so bland and harmless you can only climax thinking about smiling little Lego men with no genitals. 

Kim Kardashian’s arse

Is your spirit animal a sheep? Does straying too far from the flock terrify you? If so, Kim Kardashian’s mudflaps are right up your street. Everyone on the planet agrees Kim is fit but could lay off the make-up a bit, so wanking over her is as uncontroversial a choice as deciding to become an accountant who lives in suburbia. Also, contrary to popular myth, Kim’s arse didn’t break the internet. If it did, how come you got so much spunk on your keyboard?

Chris Hemsworth

Chris has pleasant but robustly masculine features and a perfectly gym-honed body, and the fact that he appears naked in the extremely mainstream PG-13 film Thor: Love and Thunder is essentially a green light for women to go ahead and rub one out. In fact he’s such ideal wanking material it’s lucky Natalie Portman is in it or your husband would be having a go too.

Farrah Fawcett in a red swimsuit 

It was practically illegal not to wank over this ubiquitous, trillion-selling poster in the 1970s, and there’s still much to enjoy today. There’s Farrah’s prominently placed nipple, her cool retro swimsuit and her f**king amazing hair, like a sexy lady Aslan. Her massive teeth are a bit terrifying, but you have to bear in mind that Jaws was all the rage in the mid-70s.