Biggest dickhead from school now doing MMA

THE biggest dickhead you grew up with is now claiming to be a mixed martial arts fighter.

The Institute for Studies found that the boy you remember from school as being aggressive and cocky, if not especially hard, is now boasting about doing MMA.

Humorless wannabe Martin Bishop said: “Having been to a couple of lessons in MMA at my local gym, I feel entitled to bully people and brag about my hardness.

“Even if I lose every fight I have I can still tell people I’m an MMA fighter and they’re sure to be scared of me.

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m in it for the discipline too – the discipline of pinning someone to the floor and punching their teeth out while the echoes of school bullies taking the piss ring in my ears.

“Anyway I’ve already bought the gloves and shorts so I’ve got to become a fighter now.”

He added: “I like to say, ‘I’m a cage fighter, even though I don’t fight cages!’. Fucking cracks me up.”

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Princess named after three people Charles hates

PRINCESS Charlotte Elizabeth Diana was named after Prince Charles’ greatest enemies, it has emerged.

Royal insiders revealed the name is designed to drive Charles insane by reminding him of the people who ruined his life, thus paving the way for Prince William to succeed the Queen.

A source said: “It combines the person who refuses to relinquish the throne he covets and the person who made everyone think he was a shit.

“And Charlotte is a woman on eBay who keeps beating him to the Franklin Mint royal memorabilia he collects. Whenever he hears it his eyelid twitches for a good half hour.”

It is understood William and Kate forced Charles to accept the name by insisting it was a choice between Charlotte Elizabeth Diana and ‘Trotsky Ringpiece Robespierre’.

Meanwhile, the royal nannies will teach Princess Charlotte to say ‘you’ll never be king’ whenever she meets her grandfather.