Blue cheese survives another picnic

A WEDGE of Stilton has returned fully intact from its fifth picnic of the summer.

The cheese, noted for its fetid stench and prominent blue veins, somehow avoided being eaten despite being placed on full view and frequently discussed.

It said: “They definitely knew I was there. Everyone’s always remarking on the touch of class I add to the picnics.

“But somehow they always reach straight over me for the Scotch eggs or the tortilla chips or the quiche leaving me to fight another day.

“I don’t know what’s saving me. It can’t be my thick back-of-the-cupboard grey rind, or the mould I’m shot through with, or my odour of sweaty decay because they’re my best features.”

The cheese has so far visited two outdoor Shakespeare performances, one Katherine Jenkins concert, a National Trust property and Brighton beach.

It will end its summer at the Reading Festival, where it will be thrown at the head of Macklemore.

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Gerard Butler confirmed as Wonder Woman

THE screen role of Wonder Woman has gone to 300 star Gerard Butler.

Discussing his part in the forthcoming Batman vs Superman, Butler said: “There’s nothing in the small print that says Wonder Woman has to have a vagina. It’s not like Batman’s an actual bat.

“I’m proud to live in a tolerant society where we can accept a heroine with hairy shoulders.”

However fan Tom Booker said: “I hate this sort of gimmicky and deliberately controversial re-imagining of characters.

“It makes the concept of superheroes seem inherently ridiculous and childish, rather than the deadly serious and entirely appropriate obsession of middle-aged men that it so obviously is.