Boring couple constantly buggering about with house

A BORING couple are constantly buggering about making pointless alterations to their house.

Stephen Malley and Nikki Hollis, who are nice but have no personalities, recently bought a perfectly functional house and have been buggering about with useless building and decorating work ever since.

Malley said: “Of course the first thing to do when you buy a house is to rip out everything, especially the floor. The existing floor is never floor-y enough.

“Then you have to knock through some walls, and put in some sort of toilet in the loft. It’s never-ending really.”

Hollis said: “We come home from work and it’s straight on with the overalls, then we crack on buggering about with the house, making lots of noise and generally pissing off everyone in the street.

“We could just watch telly but where would be the fun in that? Much better to needlessly hack away at our overpriced property.

“You’ve got to put your own individual stamp on it. Even if that individual stamp is just whatever is popular at the time.”

Neighbour Roy Hobbs said: “Sometimes they have a cement mixer on at 3am. It was better when there were junkies living there, at least they were quiet.”

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The toughest part of being a millennial is writing all these shitty columns about it

By a Young(ish) Person wearing a hat

MILLENNIALS have been priced out of the property market, crippled by tuition fees and now there’s another problem to add to our list of woes – finding a new angle for your next article about millennials.

Previous generations didn’t have to worry about losing a freelance writing gig because their latest column was ‘a bit similar’ to some bollocks they did for The Times called ‘The rules of dating for millennials’.

The fact is most older people have never experienced the stress of trying to think of three different columns about millennials that aren’t ‘samey bullshit’, as my features editor calls it.

It’s all very well getting commissioned by the New Statesman to write ‘Millennial ladies can’t afford to lunch’, but have you used up valuable material you might need for next week’s Observer article, ‘Do people look down on millennials for bringing their own sandwiches to work’?

Take yesterday. I had a great idea for an article about why millennials are leaving Facebook in droves, only to discover some bastard had already pitched ‘Why Millennials are leaving WhatsApp in droves’. Even The Guardian and Puzzle and Wordsearch Weekly turned me down.

I believe we need a government awareness campaign about the pressures of writing columns about millennials. I’d go into more detail but I’m on a 4pm deadline with ‘Millennial talcum: Babies are a luxury for my generation’.