Britain Loves Orgasms

BRITAIN loves having orgasms and is currently enjoying the most intense and sustained feelings of genital pleasure since records began. 

More than 70 per cent of people polled said they enjoyed a climax, with only a quarter saying it was a fuss about nothing, all of whom were either women or Liberal Democrats.

Favourite places to experience orgasm included on top of the neighbour's washing machine, the lower deck of the bus, and almost anywhere inside someone else's body.

Professor Bill McKay, Director of Getting It at the Institute for Men, said the orgasm had greatly increased in popularity in Britain after it was discovered it was not invented by the French.

He said: "Once it was proved that women could also experience this intense pleasurable feeling, and not just when they were on their own, the floodgates opened."

Dr Wayne Hayes, a leading sociologist, dated the change in attitude to the decline of religious authority in late 20th Century Britain.

He said: “It used to be that Sunday mornings involved getting out of bed and sitting in a draughty church listening to some hypocritical kiddie fiddler banging on about the evils of sex before marriage.

“Gradually we all realised you could stay in bed, have a coffee and then blow your muck up some enthusiastic blonde without your knob being struck by lightning.”

Nikki Hollis, Director of Getting It at the Institute of Women, said: “Are you in yet? You are? Oh, well that's just great then.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Ministers Unveil £400 Million Plan To Shout At Fat People

BRITAIN'S fat people are to be hounded into submission through a multi-million pound strategy of shouting and community violence.

At the heart of the programme will be 250,000 outreach counsellors who will patrol supermarket aisles looking for 'inappropriate choicemakers'.

Once they have identified a target the uniformed counsellors will approach the shopper and scream: "PUT IT DOWN FATTY! PUT IT DOWN!"

Supermarket entrances will be fitted with hidden scales and as overweight shoppers enter they will hear the sound of mooing cows and be handed a photograph of Christopher Biggins.

The counsellors will also have the power to force fat people to strip down to their underpants and run around the car park for 20 minutes.

The government's plan for 'healthy towns' will include daily calisthenics, with hundreds of uniformed citizens lined up in neat rows, swinging their arms in time to music.

The sessions will be filmed and shown before popular features at cinemas across the country. Actor Brian Cox will provide a voice-over stressing the importance of physical fitness to the struggle against international Zionism.

The 'healthy towns', or gesundestädte, will host weekly torchlit marches to the local sports stadium where the uniformed citizens will eat satsumas while watching Sir Steve Redgrave's 1996 coxless pairs triumph over and over again.

Anyone unable to lose weight will have their passport confiscated and be forced to sew a patch onto their uniform depicting a big, fat cartoon pig.

Meanwhile, health secretary Alan Johnson is urging school bullies to step up their victimisation of overweight children as part of the government's 'Let's Punch Britain Thin' programme.