Britain 'must take more drugs'

FALLING drug use is a serious threat to the economy, ministers have warned.

As recreational drug consumption hits an all-time low, the repercussions are being felt across Britain’s highly profitable creative sector.

Announcing a U-turn on drugs policy, prime minister David Cameron said: “Having weaned everyone off drugs, we now realise that our nation’s only worthwhile export was crazy ideas thought up by people while off their tits.

“From coked-up advertising executives to pillhead dance music producers, it seems that for the last decade or so drug users have been the modern equivalent of the steel industry.”

From next week, everyone under 25 will receive a Drugs Starter Kit.  The tin, which is decorated with fractal dolphin imagery, will contain ecstasy, half an ounce of ‘soap bar’ cannabis resin, a Twix and a Snoop Dogg CD.

Plumber Roy Hobbs believes drugs also stimulate the wider economy: “Working all week to afford a slightly bigger TV or a Tesco’s Finest isn’t appealing.

“I need to know that come Friday night there’s a wrap of charlie and a couple of pills.

“And if you’re on drugs you want more cash in your pocket. You can’t snort speed through a pound coin.”

Chancellor George Osborne added: “They say cocaine makes you arrogant and deluded, but everyone in my social circle takes it and they’re just lovely.”



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Jimmy Savile 'presented Jim'll Fix It'

LEGENDARY sexual deviant Jimmy Savile presented a television programme called Jim’ll Fix It, it has emerged.

Britain was reeling last night after a shocking documentary revealed that the grubby child abuser was a popular TV presenter and disc jockey.

Helen Archer from Peterborough said: “I had no idea this horrifying sexual predator was on TV nearly every week for 30 years.

“Surely someone at the BBC must have noticed that?”

Archer said she was also horrified by the revelations that Savile smoked very big cigars.

She added: “I only hope he didn’t smoke them in that mind-bogglingly fucked-up shrine to his mother.”

Roy Hobbs, from Doncaster said: “I suppose if we had looked long enough into those truly terrifying eyes we would have realised that he enjoyed tobacco and was a Radio One DJ.

“Of course he ran all those marathons so he would become an unimpeachable national treasure able to indulge his depraved sexual desires. But that was the Jimmy Savile we all knew and were totally weirded-out by.”

He added: “In a way I’m not surprised to hear that he presented Jim’ll Fix It and smoked cigars, though to be honest, I was expecting something much, much worse.

“Possibly involving an attic. Or a dungeon.”