Offices celebrate absence of golf bores

WORKPLACES have become far less tedious thanks to Ryder cup-related leave, it has emerged.

With the average golf fan normally in bed by 10pm with a mug of hot chocolate and a Len Deighton novel, three days of post-midnight coverage has resulted in many golfists taking impromptu holiday or simply falling asleep at their desks.

This has triggered a sharp fall in workplace conversations about mortgage rates, instances of halitosis and poorly executed attempts at sexual innuendo.

Office manager Wayne Hayes said: “Roy phoned up this morning muttering about something called a poulter, which I can only assume is one of the sticks they use in the hobby, before saying he was going to work from home.

“It’s been bliss not having to listen to him humming Mumford & Sons while stinking out of the place with his Lynx Africa. When they have the tournament in Scotland in 2014, I’m hoping they play at two in the morning on floodlit pitches, or whatever the fuck they’re called.”

Cans of supermarket-brand bitter were raised in celebration across the country last night as Europe came first in the tournament with two teams in it.

Their win of 14.5 golfs to USA’s 13.5 was rated ‘extremely exciting’ by fans.

Meanwhile, news footage of the victorious, tearful European side confused many television viewers, who assumed a sales conference had just been informed of Top Gear’s cancellation.



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Labourers descend on Manchester

MINERS, navvies, totters and wheeltappers have hit Manchester in their cloth-capped droves.

Britain’s coal mines and textile mills fell silent this morning as their humble denizens boarded horses, bicycles and charabancs for the Labour Party Conference.

Blacksmith Ed Milliband, who has known nothing but hard, physical graft his whole adult life, addressed the massed ranks of Britain’s manual workers.

Sinews bulging in his thick neck, Miliband said: “We are the people who dig the nation’s ditches, deliver its coal, cobble its shoes, and our voices must be heard!”

This year’s Labour party slogan is End Capitalism Now. Agenda issues include renationalisation of public utilities, free beer and sandwiches for all and the decapitation of Etonians.

Delegate Roy Hobbs said: “From draymen to bottom knockers, we represent those who sweat profusely for a living.

“Otherwise, we’d be called the Chinless, Pointless, Spineless, Anti-Industrial Action, Tesco-Appeasing, Blackberry-Fondling Alternative Estate Agent Party.”

Meanwhile, those who re-use carrier bags and take an interest in wildlife preservation are preparing for next week’s Conservative Party conference.