Britain officially a dystopia

THE arrival of televisions that can spy on you means Britain is now a fully-qualified dystopia.

As it emerged that TVs containing cameras and microphones have hit shops, experts confirmed this was the final element in the country’s descent into a place ‘where everything is unpleasant or bad’.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “In determining whether a country is a proper dystopia, we use something called the Orwell-Huxley-Dick Scale. It measures nightmarishness.

“It takes into account things like paranoia, evilness of government, lack of privacy, creepiness of technology and the amount of driving rain.

“Other factors include Crocs, the rampant success of Men’s Health magazine and fruit drinks that claim to be your friend.

“And, lest we forget, a massive, jingoistic sporting event sponsored by a company that basically manufactures fat children. In fact, Philip K Dick is starting look like an arse.”

Brubaker said modern Britain had seen things other people would not believe. “Simon Cowell, not on fire, at the top right corner of the Daily Mail website. We’ve watched Amy Childs’ vajazzle glitter in the dark near Lancaster Gate. All these moments will go on forever. Like the rain.”

He added: “Internet pedants might say that, strictly speaking, a dystopia is defined as an imaginary thing, therefore Britain cannot be one.

“And of course the existence of people like that proves that it is.”


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45p rate 10% more avoidable, say experts

THE new 45p tax rate is 10 percent easier to avoid than the 50p rate, experts have confirmed.

As chancellor George Osborne announced a cut in the top rate, accountants said the less tax you had to avoid the quicker it takes.

Martin Bishop, a senior tax adviser at Porter, Pinkney and Turner, said: “For every pound over the £150,000 threshold I would have to be at my desk for several minutes trying to find some sneaky away of holding on to 50p of it.

“Now I only have to be an incredibly sneaky little shit about 45p of it, which means I should able to knock-off at about half-four. I shall use the extra half an hour for euphonium lessons.”

Bill McKay, one of Bishop’s clients, said: “Martin is always phoning me at quarter-to-five, asking whether I’d like an offshore trust in Guam or whether I could change my name to ‘Ian’ until the end of March. It is a pain in the arse.”

The chancellor also announced an increase in the personal allowance lifting thousands of people out of income tax and, according to the the independent Office of Budget Responsibility, staving off a blood-soaked revolution for another 18 months.

The OBR also confirmed that middle class gratitude for an extra few hundred pounds a year is heartbreakingly pathetic.

Meanwhile, Labour leader Ed Miliband was hailed for a barnstorming speech in which he spent fully 10 minutes reminding everyone that senior Conservative politicians earn more money than senior Labour politicians because Labour were incredibly bad at being in government.