Britain officially a dystopia

THE arrival of televisions that can spy on you means Britain is now a fully-qualified dystopia.

Time to die. Or just get a fucking grip.

As it emerged that TVs containing cameras and microphones have hit shops, experts confirmed this was the final element in the country’s descent into a place ‘where everything is unpleasant or bad’.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “In determining whether a country is a proper dystopia, we use something called the Orwell-Huxley-Dick Scale. It measures nightmarishness.

“It takes into account things like paranoia, evilness of government, lack of privacy, creepiness of technology and the amount of driving rain.

“Other factors include Crocs, the rampant success of Men’s Health magazine and fruit drinks that claim to be your friend.

“And, lest we forget, a massive, jingoistic sporting event sponsored by a company that basically manufactures fat children. In fact, Philip K Dick is starting look like an arse.”

Brubaker said modern Britain had seen things other people would not believe. “Simon Cowell, not on fire, at the top right corner of the Daily Mail website. We’ve watched Amy Childs’ vajazzle glitter in the dark near Lancaster Gate. All these moments will go on forever. Like the rain.”

He added: “Internet pedants might say that, strictly speaking, a dystopia is defined as an imaginary thing, therefore Britain cannot be one.

“And of course the existence of people like that proves that it is.”