Britain still pretty good at Pot Noodle

BRITAIN continues to lead the world in noodle rehydration, it has been confirmed.

“Just rejoice at that news”

As it emerged the country’s sandwich making days were over, experts insisted that capturing food between two slices of bread was the nutritional equivalent of a horse-drawn plough.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “A generation ago Britain had the foresight to realise that 21st Century food would be based on potted dehydration.

“Thus we began to hone our skills in boiling, lifting and pouring. Meanwhile, because of communism, eastern Europeans still regarded the sandwich as cutting-edge and desirable.”

Professor Brubaker stressed Britain is the only country to know exactly how much water to add initially and, crucially, how long to wait before topping up.

He added: “Hungarian Pot Noodles are an exercise in watery chaos.”

Prime minister David Cameron insisted that as long as Britain led the world in Pot Noodle it had no need of sandwiches or Europeans.

Holding up a perfectly rehydrated fork full of chicken and mushroom, he said: “Leave us alone, you bloody savages.”


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Aldi openly targets middle class people who are in the shit

DISCOUNT supermarket Aldi has launched a new marketing campaign aimed at middle class people who have fallen on hard times.

The aggressively-expanding store’s new television advert shows a professional couple being escorted out of Waitrose after their card is declined.

An Aldi spokesman said: “We see a nice-looking couple, Emma and Rob, humiliated in front of the Waitrose queue by a manager who tells them they have been living above their means.

“They end up huddled and freezing in the car park, wondering if they will ever again eat cured meats, when Emma spots a distant Aldi store sign glowing like a beacon of hope.”

Aldi has seen massive growth among the kind of middle class people who have been fucked into a round hole by the economy, but this is the first time it has openly courted them.

Graphic designer Tom Booker said: “Times are not great and last week two massive Brummies came and towed the wife’s Volkswagen. Plus we had to shell out for half term at fucking Center Parcs because we’d already agreed to go with another slightly more affluent family.

“I am definitely open to walking around an aircraft hangar picking up armfuls of tinned tomatoes and weird almondy cakes.”