Britain stops pretending to care

AS the Christmas holiday looms, Britons have abandoned all pretence of being interested in their jobs.

Millions of desk workers have stopped trying to act ‘passionate’ and ‘motivated’, instead being quite open about their desire to fuck off after lunchtime.

Telesales operative Nikki Hollis said: “My manager just said, ‘let’s look busy for a couple of hours then hoof it’ and we all cheered.

“It’s more magical than actual Christmas – as if for one special day we’re treated like humans instead of hive ants. This refreshing honesty almost makes me like being here.

“Although of course I still hope the office burns to the ground over Christmas.”

Those with specialist professions are being equally upfront about their desire to get into a pub.

Surgeon Julian Cook said: “I’ve brought a staple gun, it’s quicker than actual stitches.”

Motivational speaker Tom Logan added: “Today’s ‘personal goal’ is to wank it out and fuck off early.”



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Eagles demand lighter children

MODERN children are simply too fat to lift, according to eagles.

After footage of an eagle attempting to carry off a child went viral, the birds commented that they wished this were still possible.

Golden eagle Roy Hobbs said: “These days you simply can’t get human infants off the ground. Honestly, the average toddler weighs more than a sheep.

“What the hell are you feeding them?