Britain to sort it all out with a good fight

A MASSIVE, country-wide fist fight could be the solution to Britain’s problems, experts have claimed.

As the country is overrun with at least eight types of street violence, new research shows that a giant, consequence-free scrap could actually be beneficial to the national psyche.

Julian Cook, a sociologist at Reading University, said: “There’s nothing like a good punch-up to clear the air, whether there’s a serious ongoing family problem or someone’s just looked at you funny in the street.

“Statistically, 74% of fights end in the participants being best mates, even if only until the following weekend.

“This country is beset with economic strife, civil disorder and poor customer service. How much easier life would be if the aggrieved parties could just knock the bloody shit out of each other without the tiresome legal ramifications.

“Not with bats or chains or anything – just fists. And only for a day.”

He addded: “Imagine the reconciliation that would follow. Violence is definitely the answer. Especially for the little, niggly things.”

Mother-of-one Emma Bradford said: “My first port of call would be everyone involved in the ‘Isa Isa Baby’ Halifax advert.”

Former football hooligan, Tom Logan, added: “I like hitting people. Or, if this is for a Channel 5 documentary, I used to like hitting people but am now a reformed character.

“I blame prevailing economic and weather conditions and Mrs Thatcher for people like me. You can read more of such opinions in my book Crazy Bastard, which is all about the redemptive power of pacifism and in no way lingers on the stuff I did with nail guns in lurid detail with full colour photos.”


Britain finally realises it doesn't need students

BRITAIN is to abolish its 900 year-old university system after finally realising it is a complete waste of everyone’s time.

As angry students demanded the right to help themselves to other people’s money, MPs backed an amendment to the government’s higher education funding proposals to just scrap the fucking thing.

Business and skills secretary, Vince Cable, said: “I tied myself in knots trying to sort this shit out before finally realising it was all utterly useless anyway. Bollocks to it.”

However the measure was passed with only a slim majority as Labour MPs and many Lib Dems realised that the only people who vote for them these days are students or people who wish they still were.

Professor Henry Brubaker, director of the Institute for Studies and a long time campaigner for the abolition of universities, said: “Hospitals can train doctors, law firms can train lawyers, journalists can be trained by children and sociologists can train themselves by watching television for six hours a day.

“The vast majority of ‘careers’ are complete bullshit anyway. Sending people to university just means you get pointless, bullshit jobs being done by someone who has spent three years and thirty grand turning themselves into an arse.”

He added: “Instead of pissing £7bn a year at it, just give everyone the cash back and let them spend it on bad clothes and small and medium sized electronic items, which – in case you hadn’t realised – is the point of the whole fucking system in the first place.

“Does it actually matter if the person who bought the i-prefixed device has a degree from the University of Roehampton? Let’s ask Apple, shall we?”

An Apple spokesman said: “No, it doesn’t.”