Britain to sort it all out with a good fight

A MASSIVE, countrywide fist fight could be the solution to Britain’s problems, experts believe.

As the UK continues to be divided politically, socially and into hostile regions, sociologists believe a giant, consequence-free scrap could actually be beneficial to the national psyche.

Julian Cook of Reading University, said: “There’s nothing like a good punch-up to clear the air of all those lingering resentments. And it’s past time. 

“Whether there’s a serious ongoing family problem or someone’s looked at you funny in a beer garden, statistically 74 per cent of fights end up with participants becoming best mates even if only for a few hours. 

“Britain is beset with economic strife, civil disorder and poor customer service. How much easier would it be if the aggrieved parties could just knock the shit out of each other without tiresome legal ramifications?

“No weapons, just fists, 24 hours duration, and imagine the reconciliation that would follow. Violence is definitely the answer. Especially for the little, niggly things.” 

Former football hooligan Joe Turner said: “I like hitting people. Or, if this is for a Channel 5 documentary, I used to like hitting people but am now a reformed character.

“I would enjoy taking my frustrations with net zero and VAR out on someone. If it’s a graduate enraged by the high interest on their student loans, so much the better.” 

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Britain finally realises it doesn't need students

BRITAIN is to abolish its 900 year-old university system after finally realising it is a complete waste of everyone’s time.

As angry students demanded the right to help themselves to other people’s money, MPs backed an amendment to the government’s higher education funding proposals to just scrap the fucking thing.

Business and skills secretary, Vince Cable, said: “I tied myself in knots trying to sort this shit out before finally realising it was all utterly useless anyway. Bollocks to it.”

However the measure was passed with only a slim majority as Labour MPs and many Lib Dems realised that the only people who vote for them these days are students or people who wish they still were.

Professor Henry Brubaker, director of the Institute for Studies and a long time campaigner for the abolition of universities, said: “Hospitals can train doctors, law firms can train lawyers, journalists can be trained by children and sociologists can train themselves by watching television for six hours a day.

“The vast majority of ‘careers’ are complete bullshit anyway. Sending people to university just means you get pointless, bullshit jobs being done by someone who has spent three years and thirty grand turning themselves into an arse.”

He added: “Instead of pissing £7bn a year at it, just give everyone the cash back and let them spend it on bad clothes and small and medium sized electronic items, which – in case you hadn’t realised – is the point of the whole fucking system in the first place.

“Does it actually matter if the person who bought the i-prefixed device has a degree from the University of Roehampton? Let’s ask Apple, shall we?”

An Apple spokesman said: “No, it doesn’t.”