Friday, 4th December 2020

Britain's problem is it's full of twats, say experts

FROM useless wanker politicians to the f**kwitted man-in-the-street the UK’s main problem is that it is full of twats, research has found. 

The Institute for Studies calculated the rate of twats in the population, concluding that up to 94 per cent of Britons are quietly wrecking the nation in their own twattish ways.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Initially we believed the UK’s long-term issues stemmed from distinct events like coronavirus or the decline of industry, but the actual cause is twats.

“It goes without saying that Matt Hancock is a twat, but below him are tens of millions of lower-level twats, from the creators of the meerkat adverts to my neighbour who burns tyres in his garden at midnight on a Saturday.

“Why does a hairdresser need to open at midnight on the eve of July 4th? That’s just being a twat. Who charters a plane to fly a ‘White lives matter’ banner? Only a weapons-grade twat.”

Professor Brubaker then listed many other types of twat, including 5G conspiracy theorists, Laurence Fox, terrorists, Owen Jones, Audi drivers and people in ukulele orchestras before kicking a bin across the room.

Twat Wayne Hayes said: “Professor Brainbox can f**k right off. Anyway I’m off to ride my quad bike round peaceful countryside, tearing it right up.”