Tuesday, 26th January 2021

Why bother with pubs when we can get pissed in our gardens for half the price? asks Britain

BRITONS have admitted they cannot imagine why they would bother with pubs when it is so much cheaper to get shitfaced in the garden. 

The country’s drinkers have looked at the risks associated with pubs, including the risk that they may have to wait ten minutes between drinks, and decided to play it safe in their own personal beer gardens.

Emma Bradford said: “My patio may lack the atmosphere of a classic British boozer, but I can have three chilled bottles of wine for the price of one in a pub. That makes up for it.

“There’s no risk of catching anything off the glasses, especially not by the time I’m swigging straight from the bottle.

“And I’m not sure I trust drunk people to wash their hands for 20 seconds after a piss. Or to  wash their hands at all. Or be able to count to 20.”

Publican Norman Steele said: “We’ve been kept in business hundreds of years because Britain was afraid to drink alone.

“Now they’ve found out how great it is, we’re doomed.”