Wednesday, 28th October 2020

Hairdressers to open because you all look like shit: the definitive list of what's opening, what's not, and why

THE Goverment has announced everything that will be reopening to the British public from July 4th. Here’s the definitive list, with explanations: 


Pubs, because you’ll need to be pissed to cope with the second wave

Restaurants, because some people are so fancy they need to eat while they get pissed

Hairdressers, because you all look like shit

Places of worship, because we respect the hustle

Cinemas, same

Museums, because the way things are going we’ll have to send half the loot back soon

Social clubs, because they’re pubs

Arcades, because fruit machines and toy grabbers are a social good

Campsites, because seeing you settle for that when you had a villa in Sicily booked will be hilarious

Caravan parks, because they’re basically gatherings of far-right geriatrics, we’ve got Brexit coming and need the support

Fairs, because the blokes who run them scare the shit out of us


Schools, which pisses us right off but apparently they’re 30 kids to a broom cupboard these days

Swimming pools, because nobody’s ready to see you mostly naked for at least another six months

Spas, because come on, they’re bollocks

Gyms, because you’ve either proved you can either work out without them or proved you’d rather f**king not

Nail salons, because we can’t spare the masks

Nightclubs, because it’s so much healthier for young people to attend good, honest illegal raves in the open air

Bowling alleys, because that shoes thing urgh and they’re not even good ironically

Theatres and orchestral performances, because if you thought a lone person in the audience coughing ruined them before then imagine it now