Man with Glastonbury tickets hit by tremendous sense of relief

A MAN with tickets for this year’s Glastonbury has been brought to his knees by an incredible, overwhelming wave of relief. 

Tom Booker of Manchester glanced at the calendar, realised he should have been setting off for the festival tomorrow and was staggered by the sheer joy of not having to. 

He said: “If not for the pandemic, I’d be in a tent tomorrow night. And every night until next Tuesday. Surrounded by dickheads and caked in my own filth. And now I’m not. 

“Who was on this year? Kendrick Lamar, I’d have had to watch that. And Taylor Swift, even though by Sunday night all I’d really want to be doing is sitting in my car, imagining I’m in traffic, leaving. 

“God, the drugs I’d have to take. The surprising art-house cabaret I’d have had to stumble upon. The pleasure I’d have had to feign. All gone. 

“Instead I get to stay at home, sit in the sun in my own garden, urinate in my own clean porcelain toilet, pour myself cold drinks from my own fridge and not have to watch sunrise from anywhere, least of all the healing field. 

“Watch it on the telly? Bollocks I will.” 

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Six people it's safe to talk to while wearing your mask around your chin

SICK of wearing your face mask on your actual face? Does it feel more natural on your chin? These six people couldn’t care less if your spittle is flying at them: 


Though kids aren’t back to school until September, we should test their collective immunity however we can. Give them a good face-to-face and prove how wrong all those teachers following government advice really are.


Dogs, cats and even birds do not care where you choose to place your mask. They are just as interested in your views on Rebekah Vardy’s legal action as any people are, and have no anxieties about coronavirus communicability. Chat away.


Already fully veiled and protected, apriarists make the perfect conversation partners in these troubled times. Their daredevil lifestyle makes them naturally laidback when it comes to the potential transfer of germs, which are notably smaller than bees.

Hispters with enormous beards

As well as being something of a push-up bra for the aging man, beards are a natural face mask. In lockdown, male facial hair has evolved to create a barrier around the lips full of craft beer residue and vegan snack crumbs that no virus can penetrate.

Your mate who’s also got his mask around his chin

If two people agree that all this mask nonsense is a fuss about nothing and it’s no worse than the flu, then how could they possibly infect each other? That’s logic mate.


People who have already passed on have nothing to worry about when it comes to life-threatening disease. Ignore their warnings about polio, Spanish flu, Hong Kong flu and Asian flu. Be sure to thoroughly disinfect your Ouija board after use.