British Kids Use Rubik’s Cube As Deadly Weapon

THE Rubik's Cube is making a comeback this year as thousands of British children adapt it into a handy killing machine. 

The 1980s toy had fallen out of favour with the nation's youngsters as its lightweight plastic structure was believed to make it virtually useless when seeking to kill or maim.

But the six-sided Hungarian puzzle has enjoyed a surge in popularity after youngsters discovered they could stuff it inside a football sock and swing it at someone's head.

Julian Cook, a senior toy buyer with a leading department store, said: "Clackers got a big boost last year as they are a tremendously efficient way of temporarily disabling someone while you steal their phone.

"The Meccano Make-Your-Own Chainsaw is also doing really well, as are the exploding Cabbage Patch Dolls."

He added: "We're also stocking a colourful range of Flick-Weebles, as well as a Razor-Blade Simon and a Transformer that transforms into a Browning semi-automatic."

Wayne Hayes, a 15 year-old psychopath from Swindon, said the Rubik’s Cube was mentally challenging and 'great fun once it was covered with bits of broken glass'.

He added: "I've got a Wii, but why pretend to be playing tennis when you could be enjoying actual violence?"

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

William Seizes Cocaine Bound For Fulham Road

PRINCE William is facing a ban from some of his favourite Fulham Road nightclubs after his Royal Navy ship seized £40m worth of cocaine.

The seizure will push up prices across West London and could even lead to shortages during the closing weekend of the Henley Regatta.

It is understood the prince, who is currently serving with the Royal Navy in the Caribbean, found the whole episode tremendously exciting.

But Tom Logan, the owner of Oiks, said: "You get to know someone, you give them free champagne, you let them urinate wherever they want, and they repay you by chasing down your drug shipment with a Type 23 Frigate."

"My regulars ordered this cocaine in good faith. There was nothing in the catalogue about it being commandeered by the heir to the throne."

A Royal Navy spokesman said: "Sub-Lieutenant Wales performed a vital role in the operation by pointing at things from a helicopter and did not get in the way at all."

But sources close to William say he is embarrassed by the seizure, insisting he played he played no part and was actually water skiing off the back of HMS Iron Duke the whole time.

Logan added: "Without cocaine there is the imminent danger my customers will realise how worthless and horrifyingly empty their lives really are and go off and do something productive.

"Either that or they'll switch to crystal meth."