Britons beg to be released from tyranny of Facebook birthdays

MILLIONS are pleading with Facebook to stop making them spend vast amounts of time responding to birthday notifications, it has emerged.

Facebook users are enslaved in a grim daily routine of acknowledging birthdays in case someone thinks they are being slightly unfriendly.

Sales manager Tom Logan said: “I spend hours every week sending matey birthday greetings to ex-colleagues I can barely remember and people who bullied me at school.

“Last night I didn’t have time to play with my young son because I had 15 birthdays to respond to including a guy I had a couple of drinks with at a conference in 2009.

“I don’t want anyone to have an unhappy birthday, I just want my life back.”

Teacher Nikki Hollis said: “I used to think birthday reminders were nice, but I get so many I’ve started wishing some of my friends would die to reduce my birthday workload.

“I’m sure they could replicate Facebook birthdays automatically with an algorithm that sends a really bland message like ‘Hope you have a good one! x’.”

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg said: “I have 311,453,906 Facebook friends so I hate birthdays more than you can imagine, but we still have to make you look at our adverts.”

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I am a ponce, admits Hiddleston

ACTOR Tom Hiddleston has apologised for being a massive ponce.

The Night Manager star claims he thought he was just debonair, but has since realised that he is in fact a ponce.

He said: “This morning I was having my ‘brekkie’ of a boiled quail’s egg, in preparation for a boating trip with my friends Algie and Roper, and looking in the newspaper for pictures of myself as I do on a daily basis.

“It emerged that my Golden Globes speech, which I gave whilst receiving a statuette for an admittedly stellar performance, had attracted some scathing notices.

“Reflecting on this, it became clear to me that I am a huge posh ponce who loves showing off. I am deeply sorry.”

He added: “I am great though.”

Twitter user Martin Bishop said: “Hanging’s too good for actors who are a bit up themselves, even if my wife does like him. He’ll probably turn up in some old-fashioned convertible car and steal her away to a dinner dance.”